As you sat helpless in the chair
Your eyes greeting everyone who walked into the room
Ears straining to identify all who came to the door
An active mind, trapped in an uncooperative
fading body marked by the rough passage of time
I saw you
I saw you and thought
while your daughter made soap and jam
canned jars of jelly
trooping through the countryside to create the farm
gather the chickens
growing the memories of who you once were
to show you her overwhelming love
I saw you and thought
as I listened to the stories
of road trips from New York City
two little girls who kept you chasing them
down the dirt lanes in countryside North Carolina
and the grown-up grief stinking of broken relationships
bitter berries of an unforgotten youth
of the empty places around your bed just before the sunset
I saw you on that day and listened
to tales told of long ago
lives you lived
hearts you touched
and tears needing to be caught as they all came just in time to catch
a glimpse of the gathering twilight
and I wondered what you prayed as you were a silent witness to the your life
slipping away
because they all heard it
7/30/15
ABBA DADDY
Abba Daddy,
We declare because You are with us we will be afraid of nothing! Because You are for us and are the Creator of the Universe, we place absolute trust in Your unfailing love, unwavering faithfulness, and steadfast unconquerable strength as the Shield surrounding us. Thank You so much for the abundance You grant us to the extreme and we ask only for You to give us wisdom to faithful stewards with what You grant us. LORD GOD, in You we find the exceeding great reward You promise. May the eyes of heart be open to perceive it and the longings within us find satisfaction in the reward of You and You alone.
In Jesus' name, we ask all of this...even as our hearts overflow with love and gratitude to You, amen.
adapted from Genesis 15:1 AMP The Complete Personalized Promise Bible
7/26/15
What keeps you awake at night?
I will never forget the first time I really heard this question, "What keeps you up at night?" It was my operations manager in the office I work for hospice. She was talking with each of us about the hard questions we needed to be able to ask people who were on hospice services or taking care of someone on hospice services. My heart hurt as she asked it out loud and it wasn't because I was upset by the question but more because of the difficulty I had hearing the answer to the question. The answers to that question make me uncomfortable because the things that keep people awake at night when dealing with end of life issues are beyond human help. They are not things that we can find an answer for or cure for or we can just provide a resource and then check it off the list and the person will now sleep better. They involve life regrets, future fears, and the pain we feel when someone we love is beginning to leave us permanently. Imagine my surprise when I was reading my book tonight, "Finding Spiritual White Space: Awakening Your Soul to Rest" by Bonnie Gray, when the question was asked at the end of a chapter on self-care...What keeps you awake at night?
It is this question that led me to write my reflection tonight rather than just going to bed. The chapter was filled with so much good stuff. I highlighted so many words and wished I had someone else reading the book with me because it was just rich! One of my favorite quotes was "It may feel selfish prioritizing our well-being because someone else's needs may not be met. It can involve major life changes. Dismantling our lifeboats and tossing our cargo overboard. It may be small nuanced changes to take care of yourself. Every movement that gives your body a chance to heal gives your soul room to breathe...Because the focus of God's heart has always been your heart, self-care is a really a journey to receive His love" (Gray, Finding Spiritual White Space: Awakening Your Soul to Rest). In this particular chapter Gray outlines five steps for self-care to find the spiritual white space she is talking about. She recommends having friends you can just be with and not even have to have a conversation, eating for pleasure, naming what is stressing you, and sharing your story with someone as you allow them to share their story with you. The first question asked at the end of the chapter is the question our operations manager told us to ask those we wanted to serve...What keeps you awake at night?
As the old week ends and the new week begins, I find it is the things that I have learned about myself and those around me keeping me awake tonight. They whisper to me of things I do not yet know of God and challenge me to recognize the fear sitting outside the edge of my mind taunting me with accusations against God and the goodness I remind myself characterizes Him. I recall the conversations I had with patients and family members and the mental illnesses filling the rooms. I remember the vivid details of their stories and the disturbing emotional storms swelling inside of me as I sat silently listening with a sheen of tears across my eyes. Even as I write this, I am reminded of the testimony of a young man in the New Testament that Bonnie Gray talked about in her chapter about finding spiritual white space. His story has always been a troubling one to me and even more troubling with the stories I heard this week. He lived among the tombs. He cut on himself. He threw himself against the rocks. He cried like an animal and could not be held by the chains and shackles placed upon him to keep him there. When he met Jesus, he accused him of torturing him and pleaded with Jesus to stop. Jesus spoke and demanded a name to the spirit/spirits which occupied him. Scriptures say the evil spirits "begged him", Jesus, not to send them to some distant place. The torment of the man among the caves, the fear of the people living near this man, the evil spirits "begging Jesus", all tell a story that continues to keep me awake many nights as I learn to rest in God's unfailing love. My heart plummets inside me as I read the man, who Jesus set free, begging Jesus to let him go with Jesus (Mark 5:18) and Jesus saying, "No, go home to your family, and tell them everything the Lord has done for you and how merciful He has been." I feel trepidation even as I consider what this man's story may contain regarding his home, his family, and the place he comes from prior to living among the tombs.
This story is with me as I get ready to lay my head down upon the pillow. It has haunted me in the shadows of my mind throughout the week as I have finished some difficult visits. Lingering just outside of the reach of my imagination, the emotions that have often been present when reading this passage, have lurked just out of my reach until tonight. Tonight, when reading about spiritual white space, when studying of self-care, when looking for a place to rest, I was challenged to answer the question...What keeps me awake at night? And in the answer to that question I read another man's story and my eyes saw the shadow over the valley through which I frequently walk. I was able feel the weight of the baggage I have carried and the questions that fill the luggage as I find myself contemplating the torment of the mind and those who are sick with it, even as they lay dying. I look into the mirror of another soul's eyes and see the pain and agony reflected in the grief they carry despite the tormented mind as they too walk among the tombs cutting on themselves and howling. I read of heaven wonder again about the goodness of God in the land of the living that some will never know. My heart breaks and I realize what keeps me awake is the same thing that has kept me awake throughout my life, if God is good then why do people suffer the way the they do and only a few ever find the peace of His deliverance, fully clothed and sane? I remember a man I met years ago, sitting on the edge of his hospital bed in his hospital gown. I remember asking him what he was going to do. He knew he was going back to the tombs, so to speak, and there was nothing he would be able to do to change anything. I had asked him where he was finding his hope. Silently he sat, a grown man, sick and who was not going to get well, with a painful story in his past and fears for his grandsons future, tears falling silently from his eyes, and I still see his arm lifted and his finger pointing upward. His voice broke as he spoke in a whisper that echoed like a distant thunder, "He loves me." That truth will sing me to sleep once again tonight.
7/12/15
My funeral...
This week I have had something heavy on my mind. As I have attended funerals, been present with those grieving, and just spent time with my family, I have looked and wondered: Who will bury me? Who will preach my funeral? Who will take time off from their busy work day or at the end of the busy work day, attend my funeral or memorial service. Most of the people who do those things are older than me. My family members are all close to my age or older and more than likely will not be here. So all week long, as I have gone the days, worked on death charts, and met with many people, I have pondered who will be there to be present with my family when I am no longer? It is fascinating to me, reflecting back over the week, I find God has been speaking to me about the subject that I have considered but not shared.
As I have been studying the book of Ephesians and reading a book called "Spiritual Whitespace" and using the DVD series "Walking Through Grief", I have heard a single message being repeated to me on each occasion. In each thing I find myself being reminded of how greatly I am loved and how lavishly that love has been displayed and continues to be displayed to me. Each one of these resources in my life have reiterated the same admonition: CHOOSE JOY! This theme has echoed God's voice to the subject that has been heavy on my heart. Imagine my surprise, here I am thinking about my funeral, my end of days, and my family and what it will be like, and God's answer to the heavy pall hanging over my heart and mind is...CHOOSE JOY! In fact, He told me He wanted me to INSIST ON JOY!
What does that even mean? I had a clue with the material I've been reading, but today I fully experienced it and even now, thinking back through my day...I find myself sitting with a quiet smile on my face and a peace in my soul. As the Google Calendar says, "Today is Lisa DeCandia's Birthday all day on planet earth." Although it got off to rock beginnings and didn't go anything like the way I had thought it would, I found myself at Jones Lake National Park with my daughter, my husband, my two grandsons, and three very old family friends we met through Mikkel years ago: Clay, Celeste, and now Celeste's son, Jack. It felt surreal to be surrounded by these young people who I have not seen in several years; yet knowing, they had elected to spend today with us and celebrate my birthday. Don't get me wrong! I don't think any of them will speak at my funeral, at least I hope not ;) Except maybe Jack, he won't be old enough for several years. But in this place I was once again reminded of what it means to choose joy, insist on joy, and who would be there when I was no longer. Choosing joy and insisting on joy, for me, is the choice to experience the lavish love of God in the relationships I make with the people around me. I chose joy as I hugged Tyler and told him I loved him when he wished me a happy birthday. I chose joy and insisted on it as I listened to Nikki's voice carry down the stairs this morning saying, "Happy Birthday MOM!" I insisted on joy once again as I held Mikkel in my arms and told her I love her, and when I leaned over Jack in the car and invited him back to our house with his sword. I choose joy and insist even now as I wrap this up to go tuck my bossy grandson Thaddeus in bed and watch a show with him before he goes to sleep. I choose and insist on joy as I allow myself to experience the lavish love of God in the wonderful people around me, especially my husband, who is there holding my hand with me through it all. When there was no one else to write the obituary or conduct the funeral, God did it himself. He walked Moses to his burial ground. He wrote of him afterwards that Moses was His friend and David was a man after His heart. In all of this, I imagine He will do no less for me. Invest in those around you, for in that, I promise you draw even closer to His heart.
7/5/15
When you see Him in the storm...
"And He saw them toiling in rowing; for the wind was contrary unto them: and about the fourth watch of the night (between 3-6am) He cometh unto them, walking upon the sea, and would have passed by them." Mark 6:48
I didn't know where my reflections would take me this week, until I sat in service this morning. "Suddenly" I knew! Pastor Wade Miller read the passage of the storm from Mark 6:45-52 and before he even reached verse 48 the tears were slipping from my eyes. I tell my kids all the time...Life IS hard. I hear it in the actions of those around me as they grunt and groan and pull and tug and just keep pushing to continue...Life IS hard. I see it on the aging faces of patients as they are dying and their families are doing all they can do to continue to make a living and be present and take care of their mothers, fathers, sisters, and brothers, who are preparing to leave them...Life IS hard. And then this morning, I heard it. I heard Pastor Miller as he said the daily events of life are just HARD. They are the winds we face. They are the antagonist God uses to strengthen us, teach us, and reveal Himself to us. And again I read verse 48 and let the tears fall from my eyes as I thought back through my week.
I thought of the daughter whose mother passed suddenly and the gentle touch of her hand upon my arm as she passed by me at the funeral. I thought of the tears that fell from her and her family member's eyes as they celebrated the life of this godly mother and treasure. I thought of the co-worker talking of her family reunion and listened in the silence to the words she didn't say as she talked about her kids but did not mention how her father is doing and how the family is coping with his diagnosis. I recalled the young man who hugged me and said he loved me, then replying that although his mother is still sick, she is doing better.
I remembered reading the words of young man who is still saying goodbye to all the people who come and go in his life and he wonders how to even jump start his own life and a new beginning. I considered the older man, sitting in his living room chair, tears filling his eyes as he talked about the promise he made his dying wife to care for her mother, but now fears for his own health. I recalled the fragrance of the peace lily on my desk and remembered my Uncle and the sudden and recent passing of his wife a couple of days ago. I sighed deeply as I thought my unfinished dissertation, the weariness of co-workers, the fear of my aging family members and friends, the disappointment and frustration of the young people I know just trying to get a little break somewhere as they struggle to grow up. My heart was heavy and broken and I wept because for that brief moment in time I realized life IS hard and it hurts me.So I loved the passage Pastor Wade read! I loved hearing God tell me, "Lisa, life is hard. It feels like your rowing against the wind. I know. I see you straining as you row." I was beyond blessed to recall He is the GOD WHO SEES! Just as the book of Mark describes Him as the "Suddenly" God, I knew a suddenly moment and reflected deeper in to my week. I felt the comfort of God's hand as I grabbed hold of my co-workers hand. I treasured the story of a mother's love and laughter at a family reunion as she is doing what she can to get through one day to the next. I let the memory of a young man's hug embrace me again as I recalled his words, "I love you Miss Lisa." I sat in humble silence as I thought of the many goodbye's I have said and the God who has never left, taking comfort in the assurance this young man is not alone either. I rejoiced in the shared love that inspired such a promise that a son-in-law and his mother-in-law could live together and care for one another as they are both struggling with their health. I heard the sound of my uncle's voice as he told me about my aunt and their trip to North Carolina together and the life they have built for themselves and their family and kids. I felt my heart swell with gratitude as I thought of the friend who is editing my dissertation for me and the promise in God's word that it is GOOD for a young person to experience difficulties in their youth. And in that suddenly moment my heart was lighter and I experience Him not only as the GOD WHO SEES, but also the GOD WHO COMES NEAR suddenly. It is my hope and prayer that as you reflect upon your week, you would see the suddenly moments in which God appeared in your storm and know the peace that comes as He gets in the boat with you.
6/28/15
There's still only 24 hours in a day...
This has a been a long week. Reading the devotional "Jesus Calling", even the Lord tells me it has been a rough up hill journey this week. As I sit thinking back over it, my mind is naturally going to all the things that I have not finished. I am still closing charts for work, making follow-up bereavement contacts for those with a recent loss, working on my dissertation, trying to get laundry finished for next week, working on financial paperwork needing to be done by the 30th of June, and so much more. Seriously, the list of all that is NOT finished is so long it is exhausting for me to even think about it as I am writing this reflection! I have no idea why I even think I have time to sit here and write this reflection!!!!!
What does this tell me about me?
Quite a bit really!
As I sit here writing this reflection, I look in the mirror and realize how driven I still am by what I can accomplish. When I sit back at the end of the week, I find myself thinking more about what I didn't finish last week and making plans for how to get it done this next week. The problem with this kind of orientation is that it means there have been a great many moments that have occurred in which I may have been more present than I was in the past, but still not fully present in the moment. How do I know this? Because I did not give these moments the opportunity to fully impact me. I can give you an example. Just today, we have had a sick grandbaby and I, myself, have been feeling under the weather; yet, I took time to go out with my husband and the grandbabies and ride downtown to go for a walk. I enjoyed myself and quietly sat beside my husband on the way home. While driving us home, he said, "I had a good time. Thank you for going with me." I heard him say this. I replied to it and even filed it in my memory; however, as I sit here writing about it my heart begins to swell. My eyes feel warm, though not wet. My breath is less shallow as it is going down deep into my diaphragm while I recall this moment. I feel safe, special, and like I am not alone, as I recall that moment, but in that moment, I did not give myself permission or time to feel any of those things. I remember that moment and remember feeling tired, irritable, and a little frustrated at the things I knew I had not finished at home, again this weekend.In this moment that I recall that memory, I realize how my week has been lavishly covered with support and love from those around me. I think about the phone call I shared today with a special friend. I recall the radio station this week, as I did the final segment, and radio host said what a special time it has been to have me there with them. I consider the debriefing after support group and the words my new friend and group facilitator shared as she told me how she experiences me and her working together. I thought of the phone messages a couple of my co-workers left for me as they checked on me to see how I was doing after my aunt's funeral. And in this moment, I laugh a little quiet laugh to myself as I hear my grandsons' voices echoing through my mind as they greeted me with "Nana!!!!!" this week, the occasions they climbed on my lap and cuddled me, or put their little hands in mine. I am so greatly loved by God and those He has placed around me!
I was just sharing with someone today about our challenge at work around the phrase:
MOMENTS
MATTER
Laughingly, I shared that God had been ministering to me that I did not have to "make" a moment that matters because every moment matters! He has been teaching me to appreciate the moments that make up my story and what they tell me about Him. In the moments of my life, I am truly beginning to see the fresh bouquet of tender mercies that are being delivered daily and realizing how lavishly they are displayed and given. My heart is overfull this week as I consider how greatly I am loved.
What does this tell me about me?
Quite a bit really!As I sit here writing this reflection, I look in the mirror and realize how driven I still am by what I can accomplish. When I sit back at the end of the week, I find myself thinking more about what I didn't finish last week and making plans for how to get it done this next week. The problem with this kind of orientation is that it means there have been a great many moments that have occurred in which I may have been more present than I was in the past, but still not fully present in the moment. How do I know this? Because I did not give these moments the opportunity to fully impact me. I can give you an example. Just today, we have had a sick grandbaby and I, myself, have been feeling under the weather; yet, I took time to go out with my husband and the grandbabies and ride downtown to go for a walk. I enjoyed myself and quietly sat beside my husband on the way home. While driving us home, he said, "I had a good time. Thank you for going with me." I heard him say this. I replied to it and even filed it in my memory; however, as I sit here writing about it my heart begins to swell. My eyes feel warm, though not wet. My breath is less shallow as it is going down deep into my diaphragm while I recall this moment. I feel safe, special, and like I am not alone, as I recall that moment, but in that moment, I did not give myself permission or time to feel any of those things. I remember that moment and remember feeling tired, irritable, and a little frustrated at the things I knew I had not finished at home, again this weekend.In this moment that I recall that memory, I realize how my week has been lavishly covered with support and love from those around me. I think about the phone call I shared today with a special friend. I recall the radio station this week, as I did the final segment, and radio host said what a special time it has been to have me there with them. I consider the debriefing after support group and the words my new friend and group facilitator shared as she told me how she experiences me and her working together. I thought of the phone messages a couple of my co-workers left for me as they checked on me to see how I was doing after my aunt's funeral. And in this moment, I laugh a little quiet laugh to myself as I hear my grandsons' voices echoing through my mind as they greeted me with "Nana!!!!!" this week, the occasions they climbed on my lap and cuddled me, or put their little hands in mine. I am so greatly loved by God and those He has placed around me!
 |
| My heart smiled BIG at this thought! |
I was just sharing with someone today about our challenge at work around the phrase:
MOMENTS
MATTER
Laughingly, I shared that God had been ministering to me that I did not have to "make" a moment that matters because every moment matters! He has been teaching me to appreciate the moments that make up my story and what they tell me about Him. In the moments of my life, I am truly beginning to see the fresh bouquet of tender mercies that are being delivered daily and realizing how lavishly they are displayed and given. My heart is overfull this week as I consider how greatly I am loved.
"See how very much our Father loves us for he calls us his children, and that is what we are! But the people who belong to this world don't recognize that we are God's children because they don't know him." 1 John 3:1 NLT
I am encouraged as I remember that though there may only be 24 hours in a day, when they are all filled with the lavish display that tells me how greatly God loves me I find myself agreeing with God, a thousand years is as the blink of an eye and that is okay with me! And now, may the kind and overwhelming love of my ABBA DADDY overtake you and hold you tight in an eternal embrace as His Spirit is set as the seal over you. In Jesus' name, amen.
6/21/15
After a Week Like Last Week...
It's been two weeks since my last reflection. I find myself still trying to avoid the practice of reflecting; yet, at the same time being thankful for its invitation. I feel as if it is God's ongoing pursuit of me and for that my heart trembles. This has been a particularly difficult week for me. As I reflect back on it, I see more tender mercies and goodness of God than anything else, but all of it is intertwined with the sufferings of this life and the holy invitation they bring us to know Him more.
This week an aunt of mine died. She died suddenly and it came out of nowhere, to the family. I didn't know my aunt well but was speechless and heartbroken at the news when my uncle told me. My heart came out of my chest as I heard the lostness of his voice as he said she had died. I've never had a chance to get to know any of my extended family well, but this aunt and uncle hold a special place in my heart because when I finally got to come to South Carolina, after being gone for over 30 years, they put my husband and I up and we spent a night there with them a couple of years back. To me, it felt a little out of my comfort zone and as if I was staying with strangers. To them, we were family. As the minister spoke at the funeral, he shared that this gift of hospitality and making people family was a special gift of my aunt and uncle's and she would be sorely missed for it. That day, I visited with my uncle and just listened as he talked about the first real vacation him and his wife had planned for next week. He talked about the first spontaneous thing they had really done in their marriage, just a few months back, as they took a trip to the mountains in North Carolina. I listened as he talked about retiring a few years from now and the things they had looked forward to. As I drove home, I wept for him and rejoiced also as I thought, there but for the grace of God go I.
People who know me know how hard I work and what a huge portion of my heart I give to my family and the world around me. I have a supervisor who reminds me a minimum of once a quarter that my tombstone will not read, "Lisa DeCandia great Bereavement Coordinator". My grandsons crawl up in my lap and snuggle up against me, reminding me to put my phone down and turn my computer off. The family's phone calls, texts, and the sound of their voices at the end of the work day invite me to leave my work at the office. Some days I do very good at this, but overall, as I consider the sudden death of my aunt this week and the story of my uncle as he talked about their plans, I see how much better I can do at this. There are only 24 hours in a day. In that day, so many hours must be filled with sleep, outside of that I determine how to use those hours. Unfortunately, I have found that in those hours there are never enough for me to get everything done, no matter how hard I work something always goes undone until the next day. Many days I lay down to sleep at night and begin to consider my agenda for the next day. Even now as I write this, I feel the weariness as it stretches it's fingers through my mind and wraps like a wet blanket around my body. I can't help but recall an eternal invitation that beckons me like the sweet smell of fragrance on a door knob, drifting up through the window on the soft summer breeze, "I will lead you beside still waters. I will restore your soul."
His voice continues, soft as the twilight as it gathers in the night sky, "Come unto Me all you who labor and are heavy laden. I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, for My yoke is easy and My burden is light." I lay my head back against the chair as I am writing. I close my eyes. The deep cleansing breaths go in deeply, moving beyond the rise and fall of my chest to push their way beyond the diaphragm and down to the tips of my toes. Holding it but for a moment, the cleansing breath feels me and I slowly begin to exhale as I imagine what it means to be wrapped in the arms of grace, to be caught in the ocean, drifting upon the waves of Your mercy. To begin a day with You...To know You have ordered my steps...not me doing it myself and asking You to bless the order of them...To be able to lay my head down to sleep at night, content in the knowledge that all left undone waiting to greet me upon the sunrise of tomorrow is nothing more than a shadow of that which You have packaged for another time. To catch the laughter of a grandbaby...feel the warmth of my husband's hand as we swing on the front porch in the cooling evening air...hear the sound of love when her voice fills the phone to say goodnight and "I love you mom"...or just to know the strength of my dog's love as she curls up against me in the night...I don't want to look back and tell the story of when I was going to do these things. I want to have the memory of these tender mercies I am granted, not the missed opportunities because of the things I pursued. I am but a work in progress and though I am saddened beyond belief at my aunt's passing, I am thankful for yet another beautiful lesson this woman of God gave me on the gift of life, love, and family.
This week an aunt of mine died. She died suddenly and it came out of nowhere, to the family. I didn't know my aunt well but was speechless and heartbroken at the news when my uncle told me. My heart came out of my chest as I heard the lostness of his voice as he said she had died. I've never had a chance to get to know any of my extended family well, but this aunt and uncle hold a special place in my heart because when I finally got to come to South Carolina, after being gone for over 30 years, they put my husband and I up and we spent a night there with them a couple of years back. To me, it felt a little out of my comfort zone and as if I was staying with strangers. To them, we were family. As the minister spoke at the funeral, he shared that this gift of hospitality and making people family was a special gift of my aunt and uncle's and she would be sorely missed for it. That day, I visited with my uncle and just listened as he talked about the first real vacation him and his wife had planned for next week. He talked about the first spontaneous thing they had really done in their marriage, just a few months back, as they took a trip to the mountains in North Carolina. I listened as he talked about retiring a few years from now and the things they had looked forward to. As I drove home, I wept for him and rejoiced also as I thought, there but for the grace of God go I.
People who know me know how hard I work and what a huge portion of my heart I give to my family and the world around me. I have a supervisor who reminds me a minimum of once a quarter that my tombstone will not read, "Lisa DeCandia great Bereavement Coordinator". My grandsons crawl up in my lap and snuggle up against me, reminding me to put my phone down and turn my computer off. The family's phone calls, texts, and the sound of their voices at the end of the work day invite me to leave my work at the office. Some days I do very good at this, but overall, as I consider the sudden death of my aunt this week and the story of my uncle as he talked about their plans, I see how much better I can do at this. There are only 24 hours in a day. In that day, so many hours must be filled with sleep, outside of that I determine how to use those hours. Unfortunately, I have found that in those hours there are never enough for me to get everything done, no matter how hard I work something always goes undone until the next day. Many days I lay down to sleep at night and begin to consider my agenda for the next day. Even now as I write this, I feel the weariness as it stretches it's fingers through my mind and wraps like a wet blanket around my body. I can't help but recall an eternal invitation that beckons me like the sweet smell of fragrance on a door knob, drifting up through the window on the soft summer breeze, "I will lead you beside still waters. I will restore your soul."
His voice continues, soft as the twilight as it gathers in the night sky, "Come unto Me all you who labor and are heavy laden. I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, for My yoke is easy and My burden is light." I lay my head back against the chair as I am writing. I close my eyes. The deep cleansing breaths go in deeply, moving beyond the rise and fall of my chest to push their way beyond the diaphragm and down to the tips of my toes. Holding it but for a moment, the cleansing breath feels me and I slowly begin to exhale as I imagine what it means to be wrapped in the arms of grace, to be caught in the ocean, drifting upon the waves of Your mercy. To begin a day with You...To know You have ordered my steps...not me doing it myself and asking You to bless the order of them...To be able to lay my head down to sleep at night, content in the knowledge that all left undone waiting to greet me upon the sunrise of tomorrow is nothing more than a shadow of that which You have packaged for another time. To catch the laughter of a grandbaby...feel the warmth of my husband's hand as we swing on the front porch in the cooling evening air...hear the sound of love when her voice fills the phone to say goodnight and "I love you mom"...or just to know the strength of my dog's love as she curls up against me in the night...I don't want to look back and tell the story of when I was going to do these things. I want to have the memory of these tender mercies I am granted, not the missed opportunities because of the things I pursued. I am but a work in progress and though I am saddened beyond belief at my aunt's passing, I am thankful for yet another beautiful lesson this woman of God gave me on the gift of life, love, and family.
6/7/15
Like Water Under a Bridge
 |
| Photo by R.Keith Clonz found on flickrcom |
I'm not certain if I want to say another week has ended or another week is beginning. The two, last, and now the prospect of next week, seem to blend into one another without beginning or ending. Last week I wrote that weekly reflection experiences were like stopping at streetlights or stop signs, but honestly I feel like I stopped somewhere else this week and I'm not sure when it was. It feels as if I hit a pause button in the office and never hit play again. I suspect it was at the training I went to, Friday, on the topic of mindfulness and self-compassion. Since that seems to be where I paused, then that is where I shall begin to reflect.
Educational and academic learning this week has been a series of affirmations. I began a new quarter at Walden University and received feedback from my committee chair. There is very little I have to do to make the editing corrections to my first three chapters. I can actually have it done within this next week. Next, at work I have been doing continuing education in the area of mindfulness and self-compassion. Although I wanted to do it to reinforce the techniques and methods for usefulness in working with the clients I serve, there was a bigger part of me that wanted to hear more about it for me. I drove to Raleigh Friday, thinking I was going to learn some new mysterious thing that I have had little understanding of. Imagine my surprise when the speaker spent the entire day talking and demonstrating the Psalmist principle of meditation and the New Testament exhortation to be "transformed" by the renewing of the mind. All of it reminded me of the early discipleship I had, as a new believer, on prayer and what it means to pray without ceasing. The speaker, Friday, talked about the importance of releasing compassion to oneself and others, as well as the value and necessity of meditating daily. When asked how often it should be practiced or recommended for practice (because it must be practiced to be developed with any level of mastery), he replied, "Once a day for five minutes is good, several times a day for 20 minutes is better, but all day is ideal." He went on to emphasize we must all begin somewhere and that any effort to practice it is good. All day, as he spoke, I could hear the Holy Spirit whisper Scripture after Scripture in my ear about praying without ceasing, meditating on the law of the Lord (goodness), and many others. I continue to be both humbled and amazed at the places God meets me and the countless occasions He uses the things of this world to reinforce and affirm the principles and practices He longs for me to put to use in my life.
I took a break from writing and spent some time with my husband this afternoon, and then with my grandson and his father. It's been a nice weekend and as I have spent time with my family, work has been forgotten. This weekend I have been more present than I have been in a long time. The world inside of me has grown silent and the race track of my mind has been empty of thoughts running in circles through my head. As a result, I have been at peace and enjoyed the time I have spent with the babies as they have laughed, cried, and just snuggled up next to me on occasion. I remember how I used to sit and hold them, sitting on the swing on the front porch and breathing deep. Lately they have not wanted to sit on me or with me and I think it is because of the frustration and discontentment they sense inside of me. I have sensed it myself as I have gone from one day to the next, one visit to the next, and one meeting to the next. It's a busy month this month and before it even began, I looked at it in a glance and felt weary. This weekend I rediscovered how the simple act of a my grandbaby taking my hand, the calm sound of my husband's voice as he speaks my name, the rushed voice of my daughter as she calls me on her break, the non-anxious presence of my other daughter as we ride in the car together through the neighborhood wasting time before dropping her off at work because she is still to early, rejuvenate me when I have found my satisfaction in Christ. When I am far from Him, when His word is dusty on the shelf, and life taunts me with insecurity and anxiety, my family feels overwhelming and I want nothing more than to be alone. However, when I am still in His presence and His word resounds through my mind talking of lavish grace, rich kindness, and immeasurable love, my family just affirms the great love of God as they minister the tender mercies He extends to me through their love and the gift of sharing their stories and making memories.
As I sit at this red light and wait for it to turn green again, I look across the room at my husband holding one of our grandsons, sitting on the other couch. I see him snuggled up on papaw's lap, playing with the phone while the three of us listen and watch "Where the Wild Things Are." I answer my phone and hear Thaddeus' dad's voice on the other end of the phone and my heart smiles as I remember him running through the sprinkler this afternoon. I hang up that call and answer another call to hear Thaddeus' mother's voice and my heart smiles even bigger as I remember her coming home from work Thursday night to tackle her son with a hug and smother him with kisses. I close my eyes. Drawing air in slowly and pushing it down to my toes, I feel it as it goes deeper and deeper. As I being to exhale, I see the photos of Gideon at the beach with his mama and I can hear their laughter though I was not present. My soul is quiet within me as I recall the many things God has done for me, listed in Ephesians 1-3: blessed me with every spiritual blessing in heavenly places, blessed me through adoption into His family, redeemed me, forgiven me, and given me knowledge of the mysteries of His will, given me an inheritance, sealed me with His Holy Spirit, seated me in Heavenly places, lavished His immeasurable riches of grace upon me, brought me near to Him, His covenant promise, and those around me, built me into His dwelling place, gave me realization of His eternal purpose, and given me confident boldness and access to Him!!!!! Enjoying my family, the memories of my life intertwined with theirs, and the wonderful glorious assurances of God's great love for me cause me to pause and pray, no longer impatient as I sit at this stoplight. In fact...I find myself wishing the light would stay red on a delayed timer for much longer.
It's on this thought that I will close. Even as I wrote this about pausing at the stoplight, I can't help but recall the title of the blog "Water Under the Bridge." No matter how I might wish to stay in this moment, it really is no different than the wish to go back and undo something that has already been done. It is like standing in the water, as it flows under the bridge, and trying to stop it from moving forward. This can never happen. I find myself remembering being a child and getting to go the pool or the beach or on a camping trip or something so super fine I would get angry when it ended. I would fight having to let it end naturally by stirring up something with someone else and ruining it before it ended. As I have grown in the Lord, even as I read Ephesians, I am so captivated by the love of God I find the freedom to let go of today and know that tomorrow too will unfold the same glorious and lavish display of His grace and immeasurable love as contained in today...it will just be new and different, as will I <3
Educational and academic learning this week has been a series of affirmations. I began a new quarter at Walden University and received feedback from my committee chair. There is very little I have to do to make the editing corrections to my first three chapters. I can actually have it done within this next week. Next, at work I have been doing continuing education in the area of mindfulness and self-compassion. Although I wanted to do it to reinforce the techniques and methods for usefulness in working with the clients I serve, there was a bigger part of me that wanted to hear more about it for me. I drove to Raleigh Friday, thinking I was going to learn some new mysterious thing that I have had little understanding of. Imagine my surprise when the speaker spent the entire day talking and demonstrating the Psalmist principle of meditation and the New Testament exhortation to be "transformed" by the renewing of the mind. All of it reminded me of the early discipleship I had, as a new believer, on prayer and what it means to pray without ceasing. The speaker, Friday, talked about the importance of releasing compassion to oneself and others, as well as the value and necessity of meditating daily. When asked how often it should be practiced or recommended for practice (because it must be practiced to be developed with any level of mastery), he replied, "Once a day for five minutes is good, several times a day for 20 minutes is better, but all day is ideal." He went on to emphasize we must all begin somewhere and that any effort to practice it is good. All day, as he spoke, I could hear the Holy Spirit whisper Scripture after Scripture in my ear about praying without ceasing, meditating on the law of the Lord (goodness), and many others. I continue to be both humbled and amazed at the places God meets me and the countless occasions He uses the things of this world to reinforce and affirm the principles and practices He longs for me to put to use in my life.
I took a break from writing and spent some time with my husband this afternoon, and then with my grandson and his father. It's been a nice weekend and as I have spent time with my family, work has been forgotten. This weekend I have been more present than I have been in a long time. The world inside of me has grown silent and the race track of my mind has been empty of thoughts running in circles through my head. As a result, I have been at peace and enjoyed the time I have spent with the babies as they have laughed, cried, and just snuggled up next to me on occasion. I remember how I used to sit and hold them, sitting on the swing on the front porch and breathing deep. Lately they have not wanted to sit on me or with me and I think it is because of the frustration and discontentment they sense inside of me. I have sensed it myself as I have gone from one day to the next, one visit to the next, and one meeting to the next. It's a busy month this month and before it even began, I looked at it in a glance and felt weary. This weekend I rediscovered how the simple act of a my grandbaby taking my hand, the calm sound of my husband's voice as he speaks my name, the rushed voice of my daughter as she calls me on her break, the non-anxious presence of my other daughter as we ride in the car together through the neighborhood wasting time before dropping her off at work because she is still to early, rejuvenate me when I have found my satisfaction in Christ. When I am far from Him, when His word is dusty on the shelf, and life taunts me with insecurity and anxiety, my family feels overwhelming and I want nothing more than to be alone. However, when I am still in His presence and His word resounds through my mind talking of lavish grace, rich kindness, and immeasurable love, my family just affirms the great love of God as they minister the tender mercies He extends to me through their love and the gift of sharing their stories and making memories.
As I sit at this red light and wait for it to turn green again, I look across the room at my husband holding one of our grandsons, sitting on the other couch. I see him snuggled up on papaw's lap, playing with the phone while the three of us listen and watch "Where the Wild Things Are." I answer my phone and hear Thaddeus' dad's voice on the other end of the phone and my heart smiles as I remember him running through the sprinkler this afternoon. I hang up that call and answer another call to hear Thaddeus' mother's voice and my heart smiles even bigger as I remember her coming home from work Thursday night to tackle her son with a hug and smother him with kisses. I close my eyes. Drawing air in slowly and pushing it down to my toes, I feel it as it goes deeper and deeper. As I being to exhale, I see the photos of Gideon at the beach with his mama and I can hear their laughter though I was not present. My soul is quiet within me as I recall the many things God has done for me, listed in Ephesians 1-3: blessed me with every spiritual blessing in heavenly places, blessed me through adoption into His family, redeemed me, forgiven me, and given me knowledge of the mysteries of His will, given me an inheritance, sealed me with His Holy Spirit, seated me in Heavenly places, lavished His immeasurable riches of grace upon me, brought me near to Him, His covenant promise, and those around me, built me into His dwelling place, gave me realization of His eternal purpose, and given me confident boldness and access to Him!!!!! Enjoying my family, the memories of my life intertwined with theirs, and the wonderful glorious assurances of God's great love for me cause me to pause and pray, no longer impatient as I sit at this stoplight. In fact...I find myself wishing the light would stay red on a delayed timer for much longer.
It's on this thought that I will close. Even as I wrote this about pausing at the stoplight, I can't help but recall the title of the blog "Water Under the Bridge." No matter how I might wish to stay in this moment, it really is no different than the wish to go back and undo something that has already been done. It is like standing in the water, as it flows under the bridge, and trying to stop it from moving forward. This can never happen. I find myself remembering being a child and getting to go the pool or the beach or on a camping trip or something so super fine I would get angry when it ended. I would fight having to let it end naturally by stirring up something with someone else and ruining it before it ended. As I have grown in the Lord, even as I read Ephesians, I am so captivated by the love of God I find the freedom to let go of today and know that tomorrow too will unfold the same glorious and lavish display of His grace and immeasurable love as contained in today...it will just be new and different, as will I <3
5/31/15
Choosing to Stop
Another week has drawn to an end. When I was in CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) we had a requirement to turn in weekly reflections. Weekly reflections were hard for me. I described them to my supervisor with this illustration. I feel like I am travelling in a car, driving fast, all week.
Writing a weekly reflection feels like the passenger in the seat next to me yanks up on the emergency brake, while I am driving, and suddenly and surprisingly brings the car to a screeching halt. I hated that feeling. In fact, weekly reflections were so difficult for me that my writing was often like vomit. I would put it out and have no recollection of what I had written. When I would arrive for my supervision sessions, my supervisor would quote something to me and I would respond by saying, "Wow! That's really deep. I need to think about that for a minute." He would ask me if I knew who said it and had no idea I had written it the week prior. Since being out of CPE, I have found I miss the practice of writing weekly reflections. This week as I decided to transition my blog to a weekly reflection writing, I found I had a new illustration for writing a weekly reflection. I am no longer required to write the reflections and I am now choosing to do so; consequently, this changes how I feel about the experience. Now it feels like I am in a car and have come to a stop sign at which I choose to stop.
For many of you, the idea of a reflection might be kind of new and you might not have any idea of what this will include; so, I will begin by outlining for you what my reflections will include.
This week I was not in school, at least not online. I am waiting for the new quarter to begin next week and kind of looking forward to it. I have been in school too long, simply because I am afraid of failing. To keep from failing, I have done nothing and that in itself has been my greatest failure. Recently however, I have started moving forward again. I finally finished writing my first three chapters of the dissertation and am waiting for feedback, and am now in the process of creating my interview questionnaire for the qualitative study I will be conducting. It is so hard to even imagine finishing, much less, what it will mean when I do. I'm not sure what any of it will mean since I elected to not pursue clinical studies and am seeking a degree at an institution that is not APA accredited. I know it means I owe a lot of money and am trusting that somehow in all of this I was following God's leading, but even if I somehow missed it, that He will be merciful and gracious to provide what is necessary to pay for it and open the door for continued use of the education I have been privileged to receive. It is on these things I have meditated this week as I am waiting to begin another quarter.
Thinking back on my relationships of this past week poses a challenge of an entirely different sort as I consider what I can glean from them. I want to say that I don't really have many relationships with others outside of my immediate family; however, that would be untrue. I do have a great many relationships with others in the community, online, in the workplace, at the church we attend, and even just in our neighborhood. These relationships might not be anything like the ones I have with my family, but I am learning that it doesn't mean they don't exist. It was just this past week I stopped in at the mall to see my daughter as she was at work. While there I came face to face with a woman, who looked me directly in the eyes and smiled as she stopped. I was a little confused as I stopped and was chatting with her, trying to act like I knew who she was. For those of you who know me, you know how I can't stand not to know the answer and the same is true with people. I can't stand admitting to you, I don't know who you are! LOL! I've really got to grow up about that...Mid-way in our conversation, she stopped talking, an obvious pause, and then said, "I miss you." By this time I had gleaned enough information in our conversation to remember we had worked together at the Spring Lake Campus for FTCC for a year, a few years back. As we said our goodbyes, I told her I have missed her too. In that brief moment of our conversation, I did. I missed her and the times we were together on the campus as we worked together. That day, I was so surprised when she said she missed me. I was completely caught off guard because I didn't realize that we had a relationship that would allow her to miss me. In this encounter, I realized I gage all other relationships against the relationship I have with my family members. They are important to me and I spend as much time as I can find with them as possible. In the past, how much time or interaction I have had with people has translated into my own meaning as to whether or not I have relationship with them. This encounter with my fellow co-worker helped me to realize the numerous relationships I have with people and the impact I often fail to realize I have upon them.
Considering what I learn about myself though, this week, is the most difficult challenge in the weekly reflection. I am the last person I think about, usually. I am constantly looking for ways to help others, to bless others, or just to do something kind for them. I am the last person I consider doing something nice for. This makes it difficult for me to even find time to take care of myself because my time is filled with all that I do to take care of those around me. This week was such a novel experience. My husband gifted me, for an entire week, with breakfasts, lunches, and dinners. He paid special attention to the portion sizes, the food types, and the packaging. I switched from caffeine to non-caffeine coffee, and increased my water intake. The outcome of this was, I actually got three solid nights of sleep and finished all MY laundry this weekend. I feel refreshed, rested, and a sense of satisfaction. I find myself wanting to hold my husband's hand and enjoying the feeling of tousling my grandson's hair. I am looking forward to sitting down with the dogs this evening, watching a movie or reading a book, and having some popcorn. And in all of this, I found myself making time to look in the mirror as I did my hair and put on my make-up. The difference this week was that I actually saw my reflection and liked the person I saw. This is such a long way from the person I was even two years ago. I have struggled with self-hatred for so many years that it became the limp that has made it hard for me to walk. People talk about the person you leave the room to not have to make conversation, or cross the street and hope to avoid eye contact, or even wish one of you would find a reason to move to another town. I have a person I have felt that way about and that person has been me. These past couple of years though I have moved away from seeking to know why I felt that way and just began hearing what God was trying to tell me through the people around me. Everywhere I have gone I have had people tell me they love me, I am special, I am unique in a wonderful way, I am a blessing, I am beautiful, how gifted I am, etc. Don't get me wrong, I know not everyone likes me, but these last couple years my ears have been opened to hearing God tell me who I am and what I mean to Him and in all of that I have decided to agree with Him. With my husband's help this week, I got to practice that and began to see glimpses of Lisa Nichole emerge.
But it was what I learned about God this week that again brings tears to my eyes. In John 15:12-16 Jesus says "...as I have loved you...greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends...You are my friends...But I have called you friend...But I chose you..." My heart swells as I read these verses and these key phrases jump out at me. This week I saw that lived out yet again as God sent me to remind someone they are not forgotten and in the process of it, He spoke to me and reminded me that He cares and I am not forgotten. I called a woman on Wednesday to make arrangements to bring her flowers on Friday, as a surprise. When I got there Friday, she told me Wednesday night the deer had come and eaten all the flowers she has cultivated and landscaped this past year as they have lived in their house. Before the flowers were even gone, God was making arrangements to send her more tender mercies, Hallelujah! The visit got even better though. As we sat talking and reminiscing about their past it finally grew quiet. Just as her husband finished talking, the woman turned to him and told him to be quiet just a minute, then she looked me in the eye and said, "It's your turn. Tell us something about you." As I read that I am God's friend, chosen by Him, and that He literally gave His life for me, I hear her voice saying again, "it's your turn. Tell Me something about you." It is here on this note that I close my reflection because I find it hard to read the screen and my heart is to full for words as I realize in that encounter the invitation coming from the Beloved and My King.
Writing a weekly reflection feels like the passenger in the seat next to me yanks up on the emergency brake, while I am driving, and suddenly and surprisingly brings the car to a screeching halt. I hated that feeling. In fact, weekly reflections were so difficult for me that my writing was often like vomit. I would put it out and have no recollection of what I had written. When I would arrive for my supervision sessions, my supervisor would quote something to me and I would respond by saying, "Wow! That's really deep. I need to think about that for a minute." He would ask me if I knew who said it and had no idea I had written it the week prior. Since being out of CPE, I have found I miss the practice of writing weekly reflections. This week as I decided to transition my blog to a weekly reflection writing, I found I had a new illustration for writing a weekly reflection. I am no longer required to write the reflections and I am now choosing to do so; consequently, this changes how I feel about the experience. Now it feels like I am in a car and have come to a stop sign at which I choose to stop.For many of you, the idea of a reflection might be kind of new and you might not have any idea of what this will include; so, I will begin by outlining for you what my reflections will include.
The first part of my reflection will talk about something I have learned in school, followed by a paragraph on what I learned about my relationships with others. Next there will be a paragraph about what I learned about myself, concluding with a paragraph about what I learned about God. It is my hope that as I continue to grow and reflect on the growth opportunities God provides me, we will grow together. Feel free to share any insights you have when you read. I look forward to it because it is my belief that each of you is as important a part of my growth as I may be in yours.
This week I was not in school, at least not online. I am waiting for the new quarter to begin next week and kind of looking forward to it. I have been in school too long, simply because I am afraid of failing. To keep from failing, I have done nothing and that in itself has been my greatest failure. Recently however, I have started moving forward again. I finally finished writing my first three chapters of the dissertation and am waiting for feedback, and am now in the process of creating my interview questionnaire for the qualitative study I will be conducting. It is so hard to even imagine finishing, much less, what it will mean when I do. I'm not sure what any of it will mean since I elected to not pursue clinical studies and am seeking a degree at an institution that is not APA accredited. I know it means I owe a lot of money and am trusting that somehow in all of this I was following God's leading, but even if I somehow missed it, that He will be merciful and gracious to provide what is necessary to pay for it and open the door for continued use of the education I have been privileged to receive. It is on these things I have meditated this week as I am waiting to begin another quarter.
Thinking back on my relationships of this past week poses a challenge of an entirely different sort as I consider what I can glean from them. I want to say that I don't really have many relationships with others outside of my immediate family; however, that would be untrue. I do have a great many relationships with others in the community, online, in the workplace, at the church we attend, and even just in our neighborhood. These relationships might not be anything like the ones I have with my family, but I am learning that it doesn't mean they don't exist. It was just this past week I stopped in at the mall to see my daughter as she was at work. While there I came face to face with a woman, who looked me directly in the eyes and smiled as she stopped. I was a little confused as I stopped and was chatting with her, trying to act like I knew who she was. For those of you who know me, you know how I can't stand not to know the answer and the same is true with people. I can't stand admitting to you, I don't know who you are! LOL! I've really got to grow up about that...Mid-way in our conversation, she stopped talking, an obvious pause, and then said, "I miss you." By this time I had gleaned enough information in our conversation to remember we had worked together at the Spring Lake Campus for FTCC for a year, a few years back. As we said our goodbyes, I told her I have missed her too. In that brief moment of our conversation, I did. I missed her and the times we were together on the campus as we worked together. That day, I was so surprised when she said she missed me. I was completely caught off guard because I didn't realize that we had a relationship that would allow her to miss me. In this encounter, I realized I gage all other relationships against the relationship I have with my family members. They are important to me and I spend as much time as I can find with them as possible. In the past, how much time or interaction I have had with people has translated into my own meaning as to whether or not I have relationship with them. This encounter with my fellow co-worker helped me to realize the numerous relationships I have with people and the impact I often fail to realize I have upon them.
Considering what I learn about myself though, this week, is the most difficult challenge in the weekly reflection. I am the last person I think about, usually. I am constantly looking for ways to help others, to bless others, or just to do something kind for them. I am the last person I consider doing something nice for. This makes it difficult for me to even find time to take care of myself because my time is filled with all that I do to take care of those around me. This week was such a novel experience. My husband gifted me, for an entire week, with breakfasts, lunches, and dinners. He paid special attention to the portion sizes, the food types, and the packaging. I switched from caffeine to non-caffeine coffee, and increased my water intake. The outcome of this was, I actually got three solid nights of sleep and finished all MY laundry this weekend. I feel refreshed, rested, and a sense of satisfaction. I find myself wanting to hold my husband's hand and enjoying the feeling of tousling my grandson's hair. I am looking forward to sitting down with the dogs this evening, watching a movie or reading a book, and having some popcorn. And in all of this, I found myself making time to look in the mirror as I did my hair and put on my make-up. The difference this week was that I actually saw my reflection and liked the person I saw. This is such a long way from the person I was even two years ago. I have struggled with self-hatred for so many years that it became the limp that has made it hard for me to walk. People talk about the person you leave the room to not have to make conversation, or cross the street and hope to avoid eye contact, or even wish one of you would find a reason to move to another town. I have a person I have felt that way about and that person has been me. These past couple of years though I have moved away from seeking to know why I felt that way and just began hearing what God was trying to tell me through the people around me. Everywhere I have gone I have had people tell me they love me, I am special, I am unique in a wonderful way, I am a blessing, I am beautiful, how gifted I am, etc. Don't get me wrong, I know not everyone likes me, but these last couple years my ears have been opened to hearing God tell me who I am and what I mean to Him and in all of that I have decided to agree with Him. With my husband's help this week, I got to practice that and began to see glimpses of Lisa Nichole emerge.
But it was what I learned about God this week that again brings tears to my eyes. In John 15:12-16 Jesus says "...as I have loved you...greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends...You are my friends...But I have called you friend...But I chose you..." My heart swells as I read these verses and these key phrases jump out at me. This week I saw that lived out yet again as God sent me to remind someone they are not forgotten and in the process of it, He spoke to me and reminded me that He cares and I am not forgotten. I called a woman on Wednesday to make arrangements to bring her flowers on Friday, as a surprise. When I got there Friday, she told me Wednesday night the deer had come and eaten all the flowers she has cultivated and landscaped this past year as they have lived in their house. Before the flowers were even gone, God was making arrangements to send her more tender mercies, Hallelujah! The visit got even better though. As we sat talking and reminiscing about their past it finally grew quiet. Just as her husband finished talking, the woman turned to him and told him to be quiet just a minute, then she looked me in the eye and said, "It's your turn. Tell us something about you." As I read that I am God's friend, chosen by Him, and that He literally gave His life for me, I hear her voice saying again, "it's your turn. Tell Me something about you." It is here on this note that I close my reflection because I find it hard to read the screen and my heart is to full for words as I realize in that encounter the invitation coming from the Beloved and My King.
5/25/15
A Deep Deep Breath as I Walk in the Door
Today was Memorial Day and I did not have to work! Before Monday started, that was my favorite thing looking forward to today. I think that was just because I had no idea what was in store. Even as I sit here writing my reflection for today and I am just kind of in awe at all that the day gave to me!
My average work day starts at 5 or 5:30am as I get up and begin getting ready for work. While I have an hour commute to reflect, listen to the Word and Praise & Worship music, and get energized for my day, it doesn't ever leave me a lot of time to just be present with actual Word of God the way I have learned to. BOY do I miss it!!!! Today, I slept in until 8am, got up and actually had a breakfast for both my Spirit and my body.
It was wonderful to get up and just sit with all my notebooks, my Bible, and the Study Guide for Wednesday at Sandhills Worship Center spread out before me! Sitting there reading
the Word of God, I read about life, faith, and those who lived lives that showed me what it looks like. WOW! Sometimes I am amazed at how far away from being a person of faith I really act like sometimes. Abraham moved and never once looked back at what was behind, intent only on living in a foreign land that God told him was promised! This is the text that spoke to me:
"These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off were assured of them, embraced them and confessed they were strangers and pilgrims on earth. For those who say such things declare plainly that they see a homeland. And truly if they called to mind that country from which they had come out, they would have had opportunity to return. But now they desire a better, that is, a heavenly country. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared a city for them." Hebrews 11:13-16 NKJV
My heart was touched as I read this passage. I thought of all that I have desired in my life and not gotten and the accompanying bitterness and rebellion that resulted of not getting my way. Then I thought of all the occasions I have been invited back to my past both in thought and behavior opportunities. I considered what this means to me in light of these Scriptures and realized how much I am still "of the world" not just in it. I prayed and asked God's forgiveness, inviting the Holy Spirit to work and my daughter and grandson came to spend the day.The blessings just kept getting better and better as I worked in the backyard and played with the grand-babies while watching Mikkel sketch and Kris work on the deck. Beginning today at my kitchen table, I felt as if the Word of God was breathing life into me and it was as if I was taking a deep deep breath as I walked through the door once again. I can't help but understand my husband, my family, our home, and all the goodness of the day as the promised land to which I am invited to live if I will just set aside all my agenda, concerns, and plans to be present with the tender mercies I have been given. Reading the Word I felt myself breath again.
5/24/15
In Memory of...
Imagine my surprise when I walked into church this morning to have the pastor's wife greet me and put a belated Mother's Day gift in my hand. It was a red rose with a journal. The journal is inspirational and every page has a request for God to give me hope. Interestingly enough, it was the Scripture verse printed on the front page that caught my attention. It said,
" And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because He has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love." Romans 5:5
To those of you who read my blog yesterday, you understand the significance of this! It is the same verse God gave me yesterday too!!! The service this Memorial day weekend spoke to me of such hope as I sensed the sweet sweet presence of God. My favorite part though, the moment that spoke to me the most, was as the pastor finished reading a poetry tribute to those who have died for or in service to our country and there was a moment of silence. People turned to look at the flag, standing silent in respect and remembrance, and taps played over the intercom. My little grandson was the only voice that could be heard, saying, "What is that? What is that Nana? What is that?" Taking him up in my arms, and looking to the flag, I spoke quietly into his ear and said in a stage whisper that let him know I was listening to him..."It's a goodbye song sweetie. It's a goodbye song to some very special people," I said as I held him close and wondered if some day he would be called upon to lay down his life for something he loved and believed in, and praying that with God's grace and wisdom we would know him to be such a man. Weeping silently, I held him close, and together we listened as the song finished and life paused, swelling with gratitude and respect.
Even as I write this, I wonder what it would look like if Calvary would command such a respect in me as to beckon me to silent reflection, speechless, each time the name Jesus is mentioned, with a moment of silence as I consider what His death means to my life...
" And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because He has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love." Romans 5:5
To those of you who read my blog yesterday, you understand the significance of this! It is the same verse God gave me yesterday too!!! The service this Memorial day weekend spoke to me of such hope as I sensed the sweet sweet presence of God. My favorite part though, the moment that spoke to me the most, was as the pastor finished reading a poetry tribute to those who have died for or in service to our country and there was a moment of silence. People turned to look at the flag, standing silent in respect and remembrance, and taps played over the intercom. My little grandson was the only voice that could be heard, saying, "What is that? What is that Nana? What is that?" Taking him up in my arms, and looking to the flag, I spoke quietly into his ear and said in a stage whisper that let him know I was listening to him..."It's a goodbye song sweetie. It's a goodbye song to some very special people," I said as I held him close and wondered if some day he would be called upon to lay down his life for something he loved and believed in, and praying that with God's grace and wisdom we would know him to be such a man. Weeping silently, I held him close, and together we listened as the song finished and life paused, swelling with gratitude and respect.
Even as I write this, I wonder what it would look like if Calvary would command such a respect in me as to beckon me to silent reflection, speechless, each time the name Jesus is mentioned, with a moment of silence as I consider what His death means to my life...
5/23/15
Big Girls are Little Girls Too
I've been reading this book called: Finding Spiritual Whitespace: Awakening Your Soul to Rest. I opened it tonight and began to weep as I read the Scripture to the chapter I left off at several weeks ago:
"AND THIS HOPE will NOT lead to disappointment. For we know how
dearly God loves us, because He has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts
with His love." Romans 5:5 NLT
AND THIS HOPE WILL NOT LEAD TO DISAPPOINTMENT! I stopped reading right there and let the tears fall for a few minutes.Seems like most of my memories are clouded by disappointment, of what I wanted and didn't get, or people who were not who I expected, wanted, or needed them to be. That has been my valley of the shadow of death, disappointment after disappointment. It has been so overcast, for so long, that I have grown distrusting of those around me, distant from God, and drawing any nearer the cross than I have already come is just to much. Tonight I realized that as I drew near to the feet of the One who invited me to sit and rest a while. As I did, I looked up to see what the verse identified as my hope: I have peace WITH GOD through Jesus Christ and rejoice in the hope of the glory of God and the sufferings. The verses go on to say the writer rejoices in his sufferings because he knows they produce perseverance (make him consistent no matter what obstacles he encounters), character (the traits that make him who he is and who others experience him to be), and hope (the feeling that what is wanted CAN BE HAD or that things WILL TURN OUT FOR THE BEST).
In this book, the author poses the thought there is still a little girl inside of me that I have disconnected from and my growth in Christ and in the world around me is contingent upon my ability to invite her to be a part of me. She believes the woman I am is the result of who I learned to be to protect the little one that is inside of me from any further pain. Bonnie Gray invites her readers to find the white space by writing a letter from Jesus to the little girl in us and rekindle the hope and anticipation that things will turn out for the best. After all, look who the little girl is now!
Ah sweet precious girl! How I have loved the dreams that fill your eyes! How I have cherished the simple longing you have to constantly feel your hand in Mine! You have no idea of the gift I felt it to be as you curled up against Me and snuggled deep in My arms, curled against My chest and began to breath with Me and to the rhythm of My beating heart! Don't give up. Don't quit. Don't even consider the lies you have been told about the dream that grows inside and defines the glorious wonder you are in this world! YOU ARE MY BELOVED CHILD!
Jesus
3/1/15
i wanna hold your hand...
.png)
One of my favorite things is when I am riding down the road with my husband. He is driving and I sit in the passenger seat next to him, looking out the window, listening to music; lost deep in thought. It is never about what song is playing or who is in the car with me. It doesn't matter if the sun is shining, or the wind is howling, or the rain is falling. This is one of my favorite memories because when these occasions occur, the memory I have is almost always of him reaching across the space between us and taking my hand. There is no act of physical contact that makes me feel more connected to another human being than when they hold my hand. It makes me feel vulnerable. It makes me feel connected. It makes me feel intimate. It makes me feel like I can do anything and I am not alone.
Over the years, I have pondered what it is that makes me feel loved and special. I have pondered long and hard when I felt most connected to those around me. I have reflected on when my heart has loved the deepest and when I have felt strongest. All of these memories are of times when I have held or had someone else who has held my hand in theirs. There is something special about holding hands, so special that even the memory of my hand gripped in the grasp of another touches me deeply beyond the words.
I am often described as an emotionally guarded person. There have been family members and friends who have known me for years and still expressed that they did not really feel that they knew much of me at all. Over the years though, I have been powerfully touched by the people around me who are willing and able to reach their hand through what they have discovered to be an invisible wall. They hug me or hold my hand or just stroke their hand across my back and all of my defenses melt away. The power of physical presence moves me and I have observed it move others as I have learned to do some of these same things for others. As I have sat silent with family members saying goodbye to loved ones, or in the car with someone who was having a horrible day, I have found that a simple physical touch communicates what words are inadequate to do in uncomfortable situations. Those touches say, "You are not alone. I am with you. I love you. You will get through this," and so many other things that sound trite to our ears but speak beyond the words.
This week I spoke with an elderly lady. Her and her husband are both legally blind and trying not to bother their children because they know they have their own lives. He is on hospice services and is having a procedure done in the hospital this week. When I called and spoke to her and offered to come be with her for a while during the procedure, she shared, "Just the hug of someone when I am afraid somehow does so much for me." It really made alive Psalms 73:23 to me. "Yet I still belong to you, you hold my right hand." As I reflected and just sat with the breath deep inside of me, I could hear my heartbeat as I began to consider what this said to me. God holds my hand. God is holding my hand. The same way it feels and looks to have my hand in my husband's hand, or in my daughter's hand, or in my grandsons' hands, this is what it means to hold hands with God. YET I STILL BELONG TO HIM <3