I went to the Women's Bible Cafe and was going to post my answer to a couple of questions there and I just really felt as if I needed to blog here first. This week's lesson on patience defined patience with two different meanings that although related needed to be understood distinct from each other. Beth Moore pointed out that one Biblical definition of patience is related to hope. It means to persevere, endure, and bear up under difficult things or circumstances inspired by a beneficial expectation. It is referred to in James, Romans, and even illustrated in the life of Job. The patience, as in the fruit of the Spirit, is related to hope but distinctly different from it. It means to be long-suffering, forebearing, the practice of self-restraint before proceeding to action and is used in reference to persons rather than circumstances.
Beth Moore notes that patience in difficult circumstances is far easier than this type of patience, practiced in our relationships or in the relationships we are supposed to build. It is a supernatural work of the Holy Spirit, hence His fruit, that involves a display of mercy and forgiveness such as God gave to us. It was at her biblical definition of forgiveness that I really began to sit up and take notes this week. She wrote, "The Greek word most often used in the New Testament for forgive is aphiemi. It means "to let one go from one's power, possession, to let go free, let escape." In essence, the intent of biblical forgiveness is to cut someone loose. The word picture drawn by the Greek terms for unforgiveness is one in which the 'unforgiven' is roped to the back of the unforgiven. How ironic: Unforgiveness is the means by which we securely bind ourselves to that which we hate the most. Therefore, the Greek meaning of forgiveness might best be demonstrated as the practice of cutting loose the person roped to your back."
The second thing she wrote that made me sit up and take notes was related to the "how" God forgives us. Beth Moore highlights four characteristics of God's forgiveness. The first is that God forgives ALL confessed sin and covers ALL confessed sin (1 John 1:9). Next, He removes ALL sin as far as the east is from the west, transferring it to our Savior (Ps. 103:12). Third, He keeps no record of wrongs (Ps.130:3-4). And last, He keeps NO MENTAL RECORD of wrongs (Jer. 31:34). Then she draws attention to the fact that this type of forgiveness makes us marvel, "Only God can forgive like that!" and reminds us that it is a supernatural work of the Holy Spirit and He can and does do it through those who are willing.
Now, bear with me. At the same time as I have been working to finish this week's study I have also been reading a short book by R.W. Schambach, entitled "The Price of God's Miracle Working Power." In it he draws attention to Mark 16:17-18, "And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name they shall cast out devils, they shall speak with new tongues, they shall take up serpents, and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover." Granted I have not taken up serpents or drank deadly things but as for laying hands on the sick or casting out devils, I have not seen any of that happen when I lay hands on people. Schambach had a similar conviction and prayed about it and while in prayer, he believed that God told him the things that hindered him from being used in such a fashion. It bothered this man of God to go places and see people suffering and not be in a position to be used to alleviate their suffering and manifesting the glory of God. I have felt that same type of discouragement so I was very curious to read what he believed God told him.
Schambach noted that a servant is not above his master. I read that and thought, who in their right mind would even think they could be above God or His Son Jesus Christ, especially after reading about how Satan was cast out of the heavenlies for such a pride? Then I was convicted that I had lived in such a fashion, especially as I hearkened back to Beth Moore's association of patience, forgiveness, and mercy. I was pricked as I read of the servant the king had forgiven for 10,000 talents and how he imprisoned another servant who only owed him 100 denarii (Mt. 18:21-35). How many times have I held it against a person because they said or did something that made me feel left out, isolated, inadequate, or insufficient? My jealousy of others because of my own desire to be liked, accepted, and have my ego stroked had led me to rope several people to my back. God had forgiven me. Christ had died for me, but I wanted to be above my master and make other people pay for leaving me feeling hurt. I have been living according to my laws and determined my ways have been better than God's. It is this pride that screams, "I want to be above my master!"
Schambach also noted that we are to be perfect even as Christ was perfect. I read that and thought, "Surely the man must be wrong. I am not perfect, I am just forgiven." I continued reading. He drew attention to Scripture passages in the New Testament where Jesus told the rich young man how to be perfect (Mt.19:21); He also called Job perfect (Job 2:3). They did not have His written word the way we do. Christ had not yet died for their sins or been raised from the grave. They also did not have the Holy Spirit the way we do, so how is it possible that God called them perfect (Deu. 18:13)? Surely Jesus wouldn't tell us to do something that we couldn't do (Mt.5:48)? Is it really possible for me to be perfect? Yes, because my idea of perfect and God's idea of perfect are different. God wouldn't tell me to do something that He hadn't equipped me to do. In Job 1:8, where God calls Job perfect, He also defines perfection "one that feareth God, and shunneth, avoideth, evil." Schambach explains it this way, "Our perfection may likened to the fruit on a tree. From the time the bud appears, the apple on the inside, though very tiny, can be perfect. It has not yet taken on the size, color, or flavor it will eventually have, but in its present state it is perfect. As it is nourished, fed, and protected from frost and disease, it grows into a perfect little green apple...There is no stopping place short of ultimate perfection. Although the immature Christian may be perfect in God's sight, he will cease to be perfect when he is satisfied to stop growing! When the little green apple stops growing, it soon withers and falls from the tree. Perfection must be maintained and constantly striven after."
It was at this point that I began to see the picture in the puzzle pieces I had been fitting together. There was no more just a border, or even only similar colors grouped. I looked at the pieces and the Holy Spirit began to show me the picture. Not only can I be perfect but I can also forgive the way God forgives. It's not because I am greater than God or even equal to God but because the same Spirit which raised Christ Jesus from the dead dwells within me. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me and that includes forgiving exactly the way God forgives because it is His Spirit that will exercise it through me. Forgiving the way God forgives is a part of that perfection.
The last day of the lesson Beth Moore asked the standard question: How does God want you to respond to what He showed you today? I couldn't help but see it. God didn't want me to forgive and then claim but I couldn't forget, only God can. God wanted me to exercise patience (mercy and forgiveness) the same way He does because He wants me to be perfect as even as He is perfect. He wasn't asking me to do something that I couldn't do because He is going to do it through me. Remember in the beginning when I quoted Beth Moore and the word picture of dead bodies roped to our backs through unforgiveness? I now saw all the dead bodies I had collected over the years and because unforgiveness is a habit, I saw all the weight that I would continue to accumulate through jealousy, bitterness, and other traits linked to unforgiveness. What a mess I have gotten myself into! I am called to be perfect. I am called to be Holy as God is Holy. I am called to be like Christ. I have been equipped with the word of God for this purpose (2 Tim.3:16-17); yet, I am tangled up in rope and weighted down by weight of bodies that I have bound to me over several years. I couldn't cut the rope if I wanted to and I so desperately do!
So, in response to Beth Moore's question, how does God want me to respond, set me free Jesus! Cut the cords that I have bound others to me with. Let Your mercy overflow in my life and let it flow freely from me. Forgive me for thinking that my way could ever be greater than Your way and make me more like You. I want to say as David said, "I will behave myself wisely in a perfect way...I will walk within my house with a perfect heart (Ps. 101:2).
10/5/10
Living Beyond Yourself
I am so sorry for not posting last week. I spent a great deal of the week sick and trying to track down car parts for my daughter's car before my husband left for a military trip. After that, I spent the remainder of the time chauffeuring my youngest around and trying to finish my school assignments for the week. Excuses, excuses, excuses! That's really all these are because the truth is, as poorly as I felt last week I was also fighting against the truths revealed in this study. I had forgotten how difficult Beth Moore studies can be and was starting to retreat into old habits again, one in particularly. Over the years God and I have done a dance where He steps closer and closer to me but if He gets to close, I begin to back away. Week 1 began to get a little close. Week 2 began and it got a little closer, sure enough, I began my retreat away from His part in our conversation, however, I have resumed again this week. Once again it was intensely personal but this time I haven't shut down, instead, I sat in His presence and rested in His truth.
This week the lesson was about love. Beth Moore takes us through the Scriptures and present three types of love: eros (grasping love), philos (friend love), and agape (caring love). The entire week study focused primarily on the concepts in 1 Corinthians 13 and presented a stark contrasts of the three types of love presented. Eros love is a selfish love that asks "what can I get for myself?" Beth Moore highlights the connection that it has to sexual love and briefly mentions the importance of this love being redeemed by the presence of God so that it does not become possessive, conquering and controlling. Philos love refers to the love one has toward a companion or friend. It is demonstrated when one places another in a higher position of honor; invites another to share life experiences, both joyful and sorrowful, and it does not come without risk, even the Scriptures make reference to the betrayal that occasionally occurs between friends.
Then there was agape, the caring love, described in 1 Corinthians 13; everything else is in contrast or only a small portion of this love. This love is impossible without the presence of God. To contemplate loving another with this love is overwhelming. Many people are skeptical this kind of love can even occur and think it is nothing more than an unattainable ideal. They read 1 Corinthians 13 as a challenge to live up to and a yard stick against which to measure themselves and they never arrive!
As we read 1 Corinthians 13 and looked at what Agape is and what Agape is not, several things jumped out at me. In summary of 1 Corinthians 13, we find Agape is patient, Agape is kind, it does not envy, does not boast, is not prideful, is not rude, is not self-seeking, is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs, does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth, it always protects, it always trusts, it always hopes, it always perseveres, and it never fails! Like Beth Moore, I was sobered when I read that all my writings, all my teachings, all my prayers and encouragements are meaningless if they are not exercised with love. I was humbled to read of how she asks God for a supernatural love for the people she is teaching each time she teaches. I began to feel a little convicted when I read about how kindness is the act of showing oneself useful. The conviction became a little more personal when I read Acts 7:9 and realized that jealousy enslaves people. The discussion on pride and the negative consequences associated with it, specifically the absence of God in our thoughts, the presence of shame, the deceit that accompanies it, and the captivity of God's people as well as the sorrow it brings God, began to stir something deep inside. Defining rudeness as unseemly or unbecoming conduct and it's crippling of our ability to exercise Agape continued to stir me. I began to reflect upon the my own fears and the manner in which I was crippled and often prohibited in exercising Agape. But it was at the discussion on perseverance that understanding began to dawn within me.
When discussing perseverance, Beth Moore asked a couple of questions, "Do you enjoy long-term relationships? How easily are you discouraged in a relationship?" At the end of the day's lesson she asked the standard question, "How does God want you to respond to what He showed you today?" I identified with the opening stanza to her poem, "I've arrived at the conclusion, maybe one of life's rare finds that there's not a lot worth salvaging within this heart of mine...Peel away my fingers, finally make me understand the power to love and please You can't be found within a man. So, my Lord, I bring this offering; a stubborn heart of stone and ask You, in its absence, please exchange it for Your own." (Beth Moore) As I read this poem aloud I wept and gave God permission to speak, once again, we visited that place I had been trying to avoid.
I can't think of a time in my life that I haven't felt lonely. I can be in a room filled with people, know them all by name, and even know that many of them know my name; yet, still feel on the outside looking in. I can go to weddings, funerals, birthday celebrations, casual dinners with other families, and simple one on one fellowships and still walk away feeling very alone. I know there are people who care about me. I realize if something were to happen to me, my family and several people I have known over the years would grieve and miss me; yet, something leaves me feeling very much still alone and an outcast. Others will invite me to share in their joy and their sorrow but I still hold back. I still refrain from giving them that glimpse inside of me and my fears, my laughter, my passion, and the unique person that God made me.
Last night as I finished the lesson on love God began to walk me through memories of my marriage. I remembered the early years and the frequent times my husband would tell me I am beautiful. I remembered the many times he would come into the room behind me to give me a hug. I remembered the occasions when we would sit together in church and he would hold me close to him as I listened to the Word and just wept because life felt hard that day. And I remembered time and time again how I responded to his every effort to love me, I would quickly kiss him on the cheek and step back. I would criticize my outfits, my weight, my hair, or even my make-up and ask him if he was sure I looked okay. My body would tense up, when he would wrap his arms around me for a hug, and I would just wish he was almost done hugging me. On the occasions at church I let him hold me, I was quick to push away when service was over.
But God didn't stop with these memories. He took me back to our wedding and my husband's proposal. I was a single parent on disability, recently unemployed, unsure if I would even be able to have another child, exhibiting very unstable mental and emotional behavior, with a past of promiscuity and not even able to tell my daughter who her real father was. I had no money. My parents had no money and my relationship with my dad was estranged. When we got married, my husband had to pay for the wedding and my dress. He assumed my college bills, my accumulated credit card debts, became a father to my daughter, and I had nothing to offer him. I realized, last night, how very much of an AGAPE love my husband has for me. I came to him the same way I came to Christ, with nothing to offer. My life was a MESS and the only thing I could give him was me, damaged at best. He never once felt like he got the short end of the stick. Time and time again he has told me how precious I am to him and what an honor it has been to be my husband. He has told me how I still make him get butterflies when he looks at me and what a delight it is when I sit in his arms or even just go for simple drive with him; yet, through all these years I have tried to keep him at arms length. It is the distance that I have kept between him and I that reveal the distance that I have kept between my Lord and I.
Last night as I read about agape love I realized how very afraid I have been. I realized how distant I have kept God. I realized that the loneliness I have around others is because of the distance that has existed between me and my God. It is because I have been afraid to trust Him with my fears, my dreams, my hopes, and even my expectations of Him. I have been so afraid that when it was all said and I done I would look around and find myself despised, outcast, and completely abandoned by those I desperately love and desire to be loved in return. I have been so afraid, somehow, God wouldn't be enough; so, the Scripture that ministered to me the most was 1 John 3:20 "For God is GREATER than MY HEART!" I am resting in His promise, "LOVE WILL NOT FAIL!" I am trusting for His complete healing in me and His agape love to redeem what has been lost as well as restore what has lay in ruins for so long a season. In the process of this, I anticipate fulfillment first, in my marriage, and second in my relationships with others.
ABBA DADDY,
I don't know who will read this posting or where they even are in their own understanding of Your agape for them. I ask that You would wash over these words with Your Spirit and Your agape. Minister Your affection and desire to any brokenness and pain. Use my journey to help others who are crippled, in their own walk with You. Thank You so much for the demonstration of Your desire, longing, and holy passion for me! Thank You so much for a perseverance that has never given up and has continued to tear down the walls that I have built around my heart. Finish what You started. I give my permission for You to finish what You have started. I surrender myself to Your agape and trust that You are all I need but in You I will find myself connected with others who share a similar passion for Your presence and Your word! I pray that as we experience Your agape we would respond with an outpouring into the lives of those around us. In Jesus name, AMEN!
This week the lesson was about love. Beth Moore takes us through the Scriptures and present three types of love: eros (grasping love), philos (friend love), and agape (caring love). The entire week study focused primarily on the concepts in 1 Corinthians 13 and presented a stark contrasts of the three types of love presented. Eros love is a selfish love that asks "what can I get for myself?" Beth Moore highlights the connection that it has to sexual love and briefly mentions the importance of this love being redeemed by the presence of God so that it does not become possessive, conquering and controlling. Philos love refers to the love one has toward a companion or friend. It is demonstrated when one places another in a higher position of honor; invites another to share life experiences, both joyful and sorrowful, and it does not come without risk, even the Scriptures make reference to the betrayal that occasionally occurs between friends.
Then there was agape, the caring love, described in 1 Corinthians 13; everything else is in contrast or only a small portion of this love. This love is impossible without the presence of God. To contemplate loving another with this love is overwhelming. Many people are skeptical this kind of love can even occur and think it is nothing more than an unattainable ideal. They read 1 Corinthians 13 as a challenge to live up to and a yard stick against which to measure themselves and they never arrive!
As we read 1 Corinthians 13 and looked at what Agape is and what Agape is not, several things jumped out at me. In summary of 1 Corinthians 13, we find Agape is patient, Agape is kind, it does not envy, does not boast, is not prideful, is not rude, is not self-seeking, is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs, does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth, it always protects, it always trusts, it always hopes, it always perseveres, and it never fails! Like Beth Moore, I was sobered when I read that all my writings, all my teachings, all my prayers and encouragements are meaningless if they are not exercised with love. I was humbled to read of how she asks God for a supernatural love for the people she is teaching each time she teaches. I began to feel a little convicted when I read about how kindness is the act of showing oneself useful. The conviction became a little more personal when I read Acts 7:9 and realized that jealousy enslaves people. The discussion on pride and the negative consequences associated with it, specifically the absence of God in our thoughts, the presence of shame, the deceit that accompanies it, and the captivity of God's people as well as the sorrow it brings God, began to stir something deep inside. Defining rudeness as unseemly or unbecoming conduct and it's crippling of our ability to exercise Agape continued to stir me. I began to reflect upon the my own fears and the manner in which I was crippled and often prohibited in exercising Agape. But it was at the discussion on perseverance that understanding began to dawn within me.
When discussing perseverance, Beth Moore asked a couple of questions, "Do you enjoy long-term relationships? How easily are you discouraged in a relationship?" At the end of the day's lesson she asked the standard question, "How does God want you to respond to what He showed you today?" I identified with the opening stanza to her poem, "I've arrived at the conclusion, maybe one of life's rare finds that there's not a lot worth salvaging within this heart of mine...Peel away my fingers, finally make me understand the power to love and please You can't be found within a man. So, my Lord, I bring this offering; a stubborn heart of stone and ask You, in its absence, please exchange it for Your own." (Beth Moore) As I read this poem aloud I wept and gave God permission to speak, once again, we visited that place I had been trying to avoid.
I can't think of a time in my life that I haven't felt lonely. I can be in a room filled with people, know them all by name, and even know that many of them know my name; yet, still feel on the outside looking in. I can go to weddings, funerals, birthday celebrations, casual dinners with other families, and simple one on one fellowships and still walk away feeling very alone. I know there are people who care about me. I realize if something were to happen to me, my family and several people I have known over the years would grieve and miss me; yet, something leaves me feeling very much still alone and an outcast. Others will invite me to share in their joy and their sorrow but I still hold back. I still refrain from giving them that glimpse inside of me and my fears, my laughter, my passion, and the unique person that God made me.
Last night as I finished the lesson on love God began to walk me through memories of my marriage. I remembered the early years and the frequent times my husband would tell me I am beautiful. I remembered the many times he would come into the room behind me to give me a hug. I remembered the occasions when we would sit together in church and he would hold me close to him as I listened to the Word and just wept because life felt hard that day. And I remembered time and time again how I responded to his every effort to love me, I would quickly kiss him on the cheek and step back. I would criticize my outfits, my weight, my hair, or even my make-up and ask him if he was sure I looked okay. My body would tense up, when he would wrap his arms around me for a hug, and I would just wish he was almost done hugging me. On the occasions at church I let him hold me, I was quick to push away when service was over.
But God didn't stop with these memories. He took me back to our wedding and my husband's proposal. I was a single parent on disability, recently unemployed, unsure if I would even be able to have another child, exhibiting very unstable mental and emotional behavior, with a past of promiscuity and not even able to tell my daughter who her real father was. I had no money. My parents had no money and my relationship with my dad was estranged. When we got married, my husband had to pay for the wedding and my dress. He assumed my college bills, my accumulated credit card debts, became a father to my daughter, and I had nothing to offer him. I realized, last night, how very much of an AGAPE love my husband has for me. I came to him the same way I came to Christ, with nothing to offer. My life was a MESS and the only thing I could give him was me, damaged at best. He never once felt like he got the short end of the stick. Time and time again he has told me how precious I am to him and what an honor it has been to be my husband. He has told me how I still make him get butterflies when he looks at me and what a delight it is when I sit in his arms or even just go for simple drive with him; yet, through all these years I have tried to keep him at arms length. It is the distance that I have kept between him and I that reveal the distance that I have kept between my Lord and I.
Last night as I read about agape love I realized how very afraid I have been. I realized how distant I have kept God. I realized that the loneliness I have around others is because of the distance that has existed between me and my God. It is because I have been afraid to trust Him with my fears, my dreams, my hopes, and even my expectations of Him. I have been so afraid that when it was all said and I done I would look around and find myself despised, outcast, and completely abandoned by those I desperately love and desire to be loved in return. I have been so afraid, somehow, God wouldn't be enough; so, the Scripture that ministered to me the most was 1 John 3:20 "For God is GREATER than MY HEART!" I am resting in His promise, "LOVE WILL NOT FAIL!" I am trusting for His complete healing in me and His agape love to redeem what has been lost as well as restore what has lay in ruins for so long a season. In the process of this, I anticipate fulfillment first, in my marriage, and second in my relationships with others.
ABBA DADDY,
I don't know who will read this posting or where they even are in their own understanding of Your agape for them. I ask that You would wash over these words with Your Spirit and Your agape. Minister Your affection and desire to any brokenness and pain. Use my journey to help others who are crippled, in their own walk with You. Thank You so much for the demonstration of Your desire, longing, and holy passion for me! Thank You so much for a perseverance that has never given up and has continued to tear down the walls that I have built around my heart. Finish what You started. I give my permission for You to finish what You have started. I surrender myself to Your agape and trust that You are all I need but in You I will find myself connected with others who share a similar passion for Your presence and Your word! I pray that as we experience Your agape we would respond with an outpouring into the lives of those around us. In Jesus name, AMEN!