I remember when I first got married like it was yesterday. Who doesn't? Well, I think maybe I remember it so vividly for a very different reason. I dreamed of staying single and to say I didn't want to get married would be an understatement. I got married because I believed it was what God wanted for me at that point in my life and trusted that He knew what was better for me and my daughter than I knew myself. All my plans had were working out so well, NOT! While the wedding was not bad, the part of submitting to a man was beyond painful to me. I wanted to be a career woman and he understood himself to be the primary provider in the home and had an active duty military career. We had one vehicle and he was not getting out of the military or putting his job at risk so I could work. His job took precedence over anything I wanted, which meant he got first dibs on the vehicle and I needed to be available to be with our daughter, eventually two daughters. God did a work in me and things began to change until we got orders to Germany; then life became a nightmare.
I remember our 8 years together in Germany because it was where we became a family. Stores closed early there and we had little money to do anything while living there; so, we spent a lot of time together in our apartment. We spent so much time together as a family that I hated life even more in the beginning. I wanted to work there too and was not able to. I felt like a failure because I was a "stay at home mom" and "just a wife." These were the labels I attached to myself and despised myself for it. I wanted to be bringing in a second income and to have the money and opportunities it would afford us, but it cost me more in childcare to work than to be at home. The first four years of Germany were the most miserable though because we only had one car there too; so, I was stranded at home and could not even go do things with the kids on my own. I remember feeling trapped and hating everyone that I was trapped with. Weekends would roll around and my husband would be home and I would be hateful and filled with anger and continually outbursts of wrath. Each time we were together there was something that would make me so angry I lived with one foot out the door. Time and again I would stand in the stairwell hall, next to my door, tears rolling down my face, begging God to let me go! I couldn't afford to leave my husband and my family financially and deep within me I understood the decision would impact others also. I remember times I would make it out to the car, having slammed out of the house. Sitting in the car behind the drivers wheel I would sob and pray because I was in a foreign country and had no money and could not leave my family. God did a work in me and again things began to change; but once again, life became nightmarish as my husband retired from the military and we had two grandsons.
Kris has been retired now for two years in March 2015. The first year was the most difficult time for me to make that transition. Once again, life got really hard and it was not working out the way I wanted. Once again, I began to live with one foot out the door. This time it was a little different though. Grace ministered deeper than before and I found myself letting go of the things I was clutching in my hand. I found myself remembering the words of our wedding vows made over 20 years ago. I found myself reflecting on the moments filled with laughter, tears, hugs, and gentle touches from him and my children. This time, though the tears fell and the pain was deep, I knew we would make it. I knew I would make it. I knew this time, the struggle was really about me learning to handle change and disappointment in a way that would bring Him glory. As Christmas has come and now gone in 2014, I have been surrounded by love and family. I have been strengthened by good friends and fortunate to find warriors who stand beside me in prayer and encouragement through some of the most fearful and anxious times for me. But most of all, I have been blessed by a God whose unfailing love did not allow Him to give up on me. While He hurt for my marriage and the pain in it, He was determined beyond all else that I would know Him. Only in being found by Him have I found satisfaction and grace in my marriage and come to love my husband and family as the gifts God intended them to be. I rarely share this part of my testimony because it is painful for me to even think about. I was filled with such hatred, rage, and bitterness, because of my disappointment at not getting my way. I created such a hostile place on so many occasions in a sacred space created to be a refuge, not a war zone. Today as I sat in my devotion time though, I felt as if there are others who are in pain. I felt as if I was close to them and just wanted to reach out and let them know, "You are not alone! God sees. He will not quit and He will not leave. No matter why the tears fall, He is close enough to catch them in a bottle. Don't give up!!!!!! This is a battle worth fighting! There will be far greater losses if you give up! I'm praying for you."
