7/30/15

i WONDER what she PrayEd

As you sat helpless in the chair
     Your eyes greeting everyone who walked into the room
      Ears straining to identify all who came to the door
           An active mind, trapped in an uncooperative
fading body marked by the rough passage of time

I saw you

I saw you and thought
       while your daughter made soap and jam
       canned jars of jelly
       trooping through the countryside to create the farm
                     gather the chickens
                     growing the memories of who you once were
to show you her overwhelming love

I saw you and thought
         as I listened to the stories
         of road trips from New York City
         two little girls who kept you chasing them
                      down the dirt lanes in countryside North Carolina
and the grown-up grief stinking of broken relationships
       bitter berries of an unforgotten youth

of the empty places around your bed just before the sunset

I saw you on that day and listened
          to tales told of long ago
              lives you lived
                  hearts you touched
 and tears needing to be caught as they all came just in time to catch
        a glimpse of the gathering twilight

and I wondered what you prayed as you were a silent witness to the your life
   slipping away

because they all heard it

ABBA DADDY

Abba Daddy,

What a precious gift You gave us when You gave us Your Son Jesus Christ! How glorious, wonderful, fabulous, and amazing is Your love!!!! Thank You for today. Thank You for the gifts it contains and thank You mostly for Your ongoing presence in it. There has never been and never will be anybody quite like You. You are One of  Kind, the Pearl of Great Price, and all majesty, honor, glory, go to You and You alone. Even as You said to Abraham long ago, I hear You speaking to us yet again, "Fear not, I am your Shield, your abundant compensation, and your reward shall be exceedingly great." We pause to reflect on this truth God and what it means for You to be both our shield and abundant compensation. Our reward is found in You and the gracious and merciful love You showed that day on Calvary as You gave Your One and Only Son for us.

We declare because You are with us we will be afraid of nothing! Because You are for us and are the Creator of the Universe, we place absolute trust in Your unfailing love, unwavering faithfulness, and steadfast unconquerable strength as the Shield surrounding us. Thank You so much for the abundance You grant us to the extreme and we ask only for You to give us wisdom to faithful stewards with what You grant us. LORD GOD, in You we find the exceeding great reward You promise. May the eyes of heart be open to perceive it and the longings within us find satisfaction in the reward of You and You alone.

In Jesus' name, we ask all of this...even as our hearts overflow with love and gratitude to You, amen.
adapted from Genesis 15:1 AMP The Complete Personalized Promise Bible

7/26/15

What keeps you awake at night?

 
I will never forget the first time I really heard this question, "What keeps you up at night?" It was my operations manager in the office I work for hospice. She was talking with each of us about the hard questions we needed to be able to ask people who were on hospice services or taking care of someone on hospice services. My heart hurt as she asked it out loud and it wasn't because I was upset by the question but more because of the difficulty I had hearing the answer to the question. The answers to that question make me uncomfortable because the things that keep people awake at night when dealing with end of life issues are beyond human help. They are not things that we can find an answer for or cure for or we can just provide a resource and then check it off the list and the person will now sleep better. They involve life regrets, future fears, and the pain we feel when someone we love is beginning to leave us permanently. Imagine my surprise when I was reading my book tonight, "Finding Spiritual White Space: Awakening Your Soul to Rest" by Bonnie Gray, when the question was asked at the end of a chapter on self-care...What keeps you awake at night?

It is this question that led me to write my reflection tonight rather than just going to bed. The chapter was filled with so much good stuff. I highlighted so many words and wished I had someone else reading the book with me because it was just rich! One of my favorite quotes was "It may feel selfish prioritizing our well-being because someone else's needs may not be met. It can involve major life changes. Dismantling our lifeboats and tossing our cargo overboard. It may be small nuanced changes to take care of yourself. Every movement that gives your body a chance to heal gives your soul room to breathe...Because the focus of God's heart has always been your heart, self-care is a really a journey to receive His love" (Gray, Finding Spiritual White Space: Awakening Your Soul to Rest). In this particular chapter Gray outlines five steps for self-care to find the spiritual white space she is talking about. She recommends having friends you can just be with and not even have to have a conversation, eating for pleasure, naming what is stressing you, and sharing your story with someone as you allow them to share their story with you. The first question asked at the end of the chapter is the question our operations manager told us to ask those we wanted to serve...What keeps you awake at night?


As the old week ends and the new week begins, I find it is the things that I have learned about myself and those around me keeping me awake tonight. They whisper to me of things I do not yet know of God and challenge me to recognize the fear sitting outside the edge of my mind taunting me with accusations against God and the goodness I remind myself characterizes Him. I recall the conversations I had with patients and family members and the mental illnesses filling the rooms. I remember the vivid details of their stories and the disturbing emotional storms swelling inside of me as I sat silently listening with a sheen of tears across my eyes. Even as I write this, I am reminded of the testimony of a young man in the New Testament that Bonnie Gray talked about in her chapter about finding spiritual white space. His story has always been a troubling one to me and even more troubling with the stories I heard this week. He lived among the tombs. He cut on himself. He threw himself against the rocks. He cried like an animal and could not be held by the chains and shackles placed upon him to keep him there. When he met Jesus, he accused him of torturing him and pleaded with Jesus to stop. Jesus spoke and demanded a name to the spirit/spirits which occupied him. Scriptures say the evil spirits "begged him", Jesus, not to send them to some distant place. The torment of the man among the caves, the fear of the people living near this man, the evil spirits "begging Jesus", all tell a story that continues to keep me awake many nights as I learn to rest in God's unfailing love. My heart plummets inside me as I read the man, who Jesus set free, begging Jesus to let him go with Jesus (Mark 5:18) and Jesus saying, "No, go home to your family, and tell them everything the Lord has done for you and how merciful He has been." I feel trepidation even as I consider what this man's story may contain regarding his home, his family, and the place he comes from prior to living among the tombs.

This story is with me as I get ready to lay my head down upon the pillow. It has haunted me in the shadows of my mind throughout the week as I have finished some difficult visits. Lingering just outside of the reach of my imagination, the emotions that have often been present when reading this passage, have lurked just out of my reach until tonight. Tonight, when reading about spiritual white space, when studying of self-care, when looking for a place to rest, I was challenged to answer the question...What keeps me awake at night? And in the answer to that question I read another man's story and my eyes saw the shadow over the valley through which I frequently walk. I was able feel the weight of the baggage I have carried and the questions that fill the luggage as I find myself contemplating the torment of the mind and those who are sick with it, even as they lay dying. I look into the mirror of another soul's eyes and see the pain and agony reflected in the grief they carry despite the tormented mind as they too walk among the tombs cutting on themselves and howling. I read of heaven wonder again about the goodness of God in the land of the living that some will never know. My heart breaks and I realize what keeps me awake is the same thing that has kept me awake throughout my life, if God is good then why do people suffer the way the they do and only a few ever find the peace of His deliverance, fully clothed and sane? I remember a man I met years ago, sitting on the edge of his hospital bed in his hospital gown. I remember asking him what he was going to do. He knew he was going back to the tombs, so to speak, and there was nothing he would be able to do to change anything. I had asked him where he was finding his hope. Silently he sat, a grown man, sick and who was not going to get well, with a painful story in his past and fears for his grandsons future, tears falling silently from his eyes, and I still see his arm lifted and his finger pointing upward. His voice broke as he spoke in a whisper that echoed like a distant thunder, "He loves me." That truth will sing me to sleep once again tonight.

And so as one week begins, and another week ends, I close my eyes and listen to the song He sings over me and so many others in the night. And in the hearing of His voice as He sings, I find the peace and rest my soul longs for. Despite the vulnerability, the intimacy of sharing this journey with all of you and with my Jesus, allows me to know the peace and rest that comes with bringing my struggling self to Jesus, admitting my need, and the helplessness that has taunted me from one day to the next for this last week. "Great God, wrap Your arms around this world tonight...and when You hear our cry, sing through the night, and we will join in Your chorus and sing along..."

7/12/15

My funeral...


Image result for funeral service


This week I have had something heavy on my mind. As I have attended funerals, been present with those grieving, and just spent time with my family, I have looked and wondered: Who will bury me? Who will preach my funeral? Who will take time off from their busy work day or at the end of the busy work day, attend my funeral or memorial service. Most of the people who do those things are older than me. My family members are all close to my age or older and more than likely will not be here. So all week long, as I have gone the days, worked on death charts, and met with many people, I have pondered who will be there to be present with my family when I am no longer? It is fascinating to me, reflecting back over the week, I find God has been speaking to me about the subject that I have considered but not shared.

As I have been studying the book of Ephesians and reading a book called "Spiritual Whitespace" and using the DVD series "Walking Through Grief", I have heard a single message being repeated to me on each occasion. In each thing I find myself being reminded of how greatly I am loved and how lavishly that love has been displayed and continues to be displayed to me. Each one of these resources in my life have reiterated the same admonition: CHOOSE JOY! This theme has echoed God's voice to the subject that has been heavy on my heart. Imagine my surprise, here I am thinking about my funeral, my end of days, and my family and what it will be like, and God's answer to the heavy pall hanging over my heart and mind is...CHOOSE JOY! In fact, He told me He wanted me to INSIST ON JOY!

What does that even mean? I had a clue with the material I've been reading, but today I fully experienced it and even now, thinking back through my day...I find myself sitting with a quiet smile on my face and a peace in my soul. As the Google Calendar says, "Today is Lisa DeCandia's Birthday all day on planet earth." Although it got off to rock beginnings and didn't go anything like the way I had thought it would, I found myself at Jones Lake National Park with my daughter, my husband, my two grandsons, and three very old family friends we met through Mikkel years ago: Clay, Celeste, and now Celeste's son, Jack. It felt surreal to be surrounded by these young people who I have not seen in several years; yet knowing, they had elected to spend today with us and celebrate my birthday. Don't get me wrong! I don't think any of them will speak at my funeral, at least I hope not ;) Except maybe Jack, he won't be old enough for several years. But in this place I was once again reminded of what it means to choose joy, insist on joy, and who would be there when I was no longer. Choosing joy and insisting on joy, for me, is the choice to experience the lavish love of God in the relationships I make with the people around me. I chose joy as I hugged Tyler and told him I loved him when he wished me a happy birthday. I chose joy and insisted on it as I listened to Nikki's voice carry down the stairs this morning saying, "Happy Birthday MOM!" I insisted on joy once again as I held Mikkel in my arms and told her I love her, and when I leaned over Jack in the car and invited him back to our house with his sword. I choose joy and insist even now as I wrap this up to go tuck my bossy grandson Thaddeus in bed and watch a show with him before he goes to sleep. I choose and insist on joy as I allow myself to experience the lavish love of God in the wonderful people around me, especially my husband, who is there holding my hand with me through it all. When there was no one else to write the obituary or conduct the funeral, God did it himself. He walked Moses to his burial ground. He wrote of him afterwards that Moses was His friend and David was a man after His heart. In all of this, I imagine He will do no less for me. Invest in those around you, for in that, I promise you draw even closer to His heart.

7/5/15

When you see Him in the storm...

"And He saw them toiling in rowing; for the wind was contrary unto them: and about the fourth watch of the night (between 3-6am) He cometh unto them, walking upon the sea, and would have passed by them." Mark 6:48


I didn't know where my reflections would take me this week, until I sat in service this morning. "Suddenly" I knew! Pastor Wade Miller read the passage of the storm from Mark 6:45-52 and before he even reached verse 48 the tears were slipping from my eyes. I tell my kids all the time...Life IS hard. I hear it in the actions of those around me as they grunt and groan and pull and tug and just keep pushing to continue...Life IS hard. I see it on the aging faces of patients as they are dying and their families are doing all they can do to continue to make a living and be present and take care of their mothers, fathers, sisters, and brothers, who are preparing to leave them...Life IS hard. And then this morning, I heard it. I heard Pastor Miller as he said the daily events of life are just HARD. They are the winds we face. They are the antagonist God uses to strengthen us, teach us, and reveal Himself to us. And again I read verse 48 and let the tears fall from my eyes as I thought back through my week.

I thought of the daughter whose mother passed suddenly and the gentle touch of her hand upon my arm as she passed by me at the funeral. I thought of the tears that fell from her and her family member's eyes as they celebrated the life of this godly mother and treasure. I thought of the co-worker talking of her family reunion and listened in the silence to the words she didn't say as she talked about her kids but did not mention how her father is doing and how the family is coping with his diagnosis. I recalled the young man who hugged me and said he loved me, then replying that although his mother is still sick, she is doing better.
I remembered reading the words of young man who is still saying goodbye to all the people who come and go in his life and he wonders how to even jump start his own life and a new beginning. I considered the older man, sitting in his living room chair, tears filling his eyes as he talked about the promise he made his dying wife to care for her mother, but now fears for his own health. I recalled the fragrance of the peace lily on my desk and remembered my Uncle and the sudden and recent passing of his wife a couple of days ago. I sighed deeply as I thought my unfinished dissertation, the weariness of co-workers, the fear of my aging family members and friends, the disappointment and frustration of the young people I know just trying to get a little break somewhere as they struggle to grow up. My heart was heavy and broken and I wept because for that brief moment in time I realized life IS hard and it hurts me.


So I loved the passage Pastor Wade read! I loved hearing God tell me, "Lisa, life is hard. It feels like your rowing against the wind. I know. I see you straining as you row." I was beyond blessed to recall He is the GOD WHO SEES! Just as the book of Mark describes Him as the "Suddenly" God, I knew a suddenly moment and reflected deeper in to my week. I felt the comfort of God's hand as I grabbed hold of my co-workers hand. I treasured the story of a mother's love and laughter at a family reunion as she is doing what she can to get through one day to the next. I let the memory of a young man's hug embrace me again as I recalled his words, "I love you Miss Lisa." I sat in humble silence as I thought of the many goodbye's I have said and the God who has never left, taking comfort in the assurance this young man is not alone either. I rejoiced in the shared love that inspired such a promise that a son-in-law and his mother-in-law could live together and care for one another as they are both struggling with their health. I heard the sound of my uncle's voice as he told me about my aunt and their trip to North Carolina together and the life they have built for themselves and their family and kids. I felt my heart swell with gratitude as I thought of the friend who is editing my dissertation for me and the promise in God's word that it is GOOD for a young person to experience difficulties in their youth. And in that suddenly moment my heart was lighter and I experience Him not only as the GOD WHO SEES, but also the GOD WHO COMES NEAR suddenly. It is my hope and prayer that as you reflect upon your week, you would see the suddenly moments in which God appeared in your storm and know the peace that comes as He gets in the boat with you.