Another week has drawn to an end. When I was in CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) we had a requirement to turn in weekly reflections. Weekly reflections were hard for me. I described them to my supervisor with this illustration. I feel like I am travelling in a car, driving fast, all week.
Writing a weekly reflection feels like the passenger in the seat next to me yanks up on the emergency brake, while I am driving, and suddenly and surprisingly brings the car to a screeching halt. I hated that feeling. In fact, weekly reflections were so difficult for me that my writing was often like vomit. I would put it out and have no recollection of what I had written. When I would arrive for my supervision sessions, my supervisor would quote something to me and I would respond by saying, "Wow! That's really deep. I need to think about that for a minute." He would ask me if I knew who said it and had no idea I had written it the week prior. Since being out of CPE, I have found I miss the practice of writing weekly reflections. This week as I decided to transition my blog to a weekly reflection writing, I found I had a new illustration for writing a weekly reflection. I am no longer required to write the reflections and I am now choosing to do so; consequently, this changes how I feel about the experience. Now it feels like I am in a car and have come to a stop sign at which I choose to stop.
For many of you, the idea of a reflection might be kind of new and you might not have any idea of what this will include; so, I will begin by outlining for you what my reflections will include.
This week I was not in school, at least not online. I am waiting for the new quarter to begin next week and kind of looking forward to it. I have been in school too long, simply because I am afraid of failing. To keep from failing, I have done nothing and that in itself has been my greatest failure. Recently however, I have started moving forward again. I finally finished writing my first three chapters of the dissertation and am waiting for feedback, and am now in the process of creating my interview questionnaire for the qualitative study I will be conducting. It is so hard to even imagine finishing, much less, what it will mean when I do. I'm not sure what any of it will mean since I elected to not pursue clinical studies and am seeking a degree at an institution that is not APA accredited. I know it means I owe a lot of money and am trusting that somehow in all of this I was following God's leading, but even if I somehow missed it, that He will be merciful and gracious to provide what is necessary to pay for it and open the door for continued use of the education I have been privileged to receive. It is on these things I have meditated this week as I am waiting to begin another quarter.
Thinking back on my relationships of this past week poses a challenge of an entirely different sort as I consider what I can glean from them. I want to say that I don't really have many relationships with others outside of my immediate family; however, that would be untrue. I do have a great many relationships with others in the community, online, in the workplace, at the church we attend, and even just in our neighborhood. These relationships might not be anything like the ones I have with my family, but I am learning that it doesn't mean they don't exist. It was just this past week I stopped in at the mall to see my daughter as she was at work. While there I came face to face with a woman, who looked me directly in the eyes and smiled as she stopped. I was a little confused as I stopped and was chatting with her, trying to act like I knew who she was. For those of you who know me, you know how I can't stand not to know the answer and the same is true with people. I can't stand admitting to you, I don't know who you are! LOL! I've really got to grow up about that...Mid-way in our conversation, she stopped talking, an obvious pause, and then said, "I miss you." By this time I had gleaned enough information in our conversation to remember we had worked together at the Spring Lake Campus for FTCC for a year, a few years back. As we said our goodbyes, I told her I have missed her too. In that brief moment of our conversation, I did. I missed her and the times we were together on the campus as we worked together. That day, I was so surprised when she said she missed me. I was completely caught off guard because I didn't realize that we had a relationship that would allow her to miss me. In this encounter, I realized I gage all other relationships against the relationship I have with my family members. They are important to me and I spend as much time as I can find with them as possible. In the past, how much time or interaction I have had with people has translated into my own meaning as to whether or not I have relationship with them. This encounter with my fellow co-worker helped me to realize the numerous relationships I have with people and the impact I often fail to realize I have upon them.
Considering what I learn about myself though, this week, is the most difficult challenge in the weekly reflection. I am the last person I think about, usually. I am constantly looking for ways to help others, to bless others, or just to do something kind for them. I am the last person I consider doing something nice for. This makes it difficult for me to even find time to take care of myself because my time is filled with all that I do to take care of those around me. This week was such a novel experience. My husband gifted me, for an entire week, with breakfasts, lunches, and dinners. He paid special attention to the portion sizes, the food types, and the packaging. I switched from caffeine to non-caffeine coffee, and increased my water intake. The outcome of this was, I actually got three solid nights of sleep and finished all MY laundry this weekend. I feel refreshed, rested, and a sense of satisfaction. I find myself wanting to hold my husband's hand and enjoying the feeling of tousling my grandson's hair. I am looking forward to sitting down with the dogs this evening, watching a movie or reading a book, and having some popcorn. And in all of this, I found myself making time to look in the mirror as I did my hair and put on my make-up. The difference this week was that I actually saw my reflection and liked the person I saw. This is such a long way from the person I was even two years ago. I have struggled with self-hatred for so many years that it became the limp that has made it hard for me to walk. People talk about the person you leave the room to not have to make conversation, or cross the street and hope to avoid eye contact, or even wish one of you would find a reason to move to another town. I have a person I have felt that way about and that person has been me. These past couple of years though I have moved away from seeking to know why I felt that way and just began hearing what God was trying to tell me through the people around me. Everywhere I have gone I have had people tell me they love me, I am special, I am unique in a wonderful way, I am a blessing, I am beautiful, how gifted I am, etc. Don't get me wrong, I know not everyone likes me, but these last couple years my ears have been opened to hearing God tell me who I am and what I mean to Him and in all of that I have decided to agree with Him. With my husband's help this week, I got to practice that and began to see glimpses of Lisa Nichole emerge.
But it was what I learned about God this week that again brings tears to my eyes. In John 15:12-16 Jesus says "...as I have loved you...greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends...You are my friends...But I have called you friend...But I chose you..." My heart swells as I read these verses and these key phrases jump out at me. This week I saw that lived out yet again as God sent me to remind someone they are not forgotten and in the process of it, He spoke to me and reminded me that He cares and I am not forgotten. I called a woman on Wednesday to make arrangements to bring her flowers on Friday, as a surprise. When I got there Friday, she told me Wednesday night the deer had come and eaten all the flowers she has cultivated and landscaped this past year as they have lived in their house. Before the flowers were even gone, God was making arrangements to send her more tender mercies, Hallelujah! The visit got even better though. As we sat talking and reminiscing about their past it finally grew quiet. Just as her husband finished talking, the woman turned to him and told him to be quiet just a minute, then she looked me in the eye and said, "It's your turn. Tell us something about you." As I read that I am God's friend, chosen by Him, and that He literally gave His life for me, I hear her voice saying again, "it's your turn. Tell Me something about you." It is here on this note that I close my reflection because I find it hard to read the screen and my heart is to full for words as I realize in that encounter the invitation coming from the Beloved and My King.
Writing a weekly reflection feels like the passenger in the seat next to me yanks up on the emergency brake, while I am driving, and suddenly and surprisingly brings the car to a screeching halt. I hated that feeling. In fact, weekly reflections were so difficult for me that my writing was often like vomit. I would put it out and have no recollection of what I had written. When I would arrive for my supervision sessions, my supervisor would quote something to me and I would respond by saying, "Wow! That's really deep. I need to think about that for a minute." He would ask me if I knew who said it and had no idea I had written it the week prior. Since being out of CPE, I have found I miss the practice of writing weekly reflections. This week as I decided to transition my blog to a weekly reflection writing, I found I had a new illustration for writing a weekly reflection. I am no longer required to write the reflections and I am now choosing to do so; consequently, this changes how I feel about the experience. Now it feels like I am in a car and have come to a stop sign at which I choose to stop.For many of you, the idea of a reflection might be kind of new and you might not have any idea of what this will include; so, I will begin by outlining for you what my reflections will include.
The first part of my reflection will talk about something I have learned in school, followed by a paragraph on what I learned about my relationships with others. Next there will be a paragraph about what I learned about myself, concluding with a paragraph about what I learned about God. It is my hope that as I continue to grow and reflect on the growth opportunities God provides me, we will grow together. Feel free to share any insights you have when you read. I look forward to it because it is my belief that each of you is as important a part of my growth as I may be in yours.
This week I was not in school, at least not online. I am waiting for the new quarter to begin next week and kind of looking forward to it. I have been in school too long, simply because I am afraid of failing. To keep from failing, I have done nothing and that in itself has been my greatest failure. Recently however, I have started moving forward again. I finally finished writing my first three chapters of the dissertation and am waiting for feedback, and am now in the process of creating my interview questionnaire for the qualitative study I will be conducting. It is so hard to even imagine finishing, much less, what it will mean when I do. I'm not sure what any of it will mean since I elected to not pursue clinical studies and am seeking a degree at an institution that is not APA accredited. I know it means I owe a lot of money and am trusting that somehow in all of this I was following God's leading, but even if I somehow missed it, that He will be merciful and gracious to provide what is necessary to pay for it and open the door for continued use of the education I have been privileged to receive. It is on these things I have meditated this week as I am waiting to begin another quarter.
Thinking back on my relationships of this past week poses a challenge of an entirely different sort as I consider what I can glean from them. I want to say that I don't really have many relationships with others outside of my immediate family; however, that would be untrue. I do have a great many relationships with others in the community, online, in the workplace, at the church we attend, and even just in our neighborhood. These relationships might not be anything like the ones I have with my family, but I am learning that it doesn't mean they don't exist. It was just this past week I stopped in at the mall to see my daughter as she was at work. While there I came face to face with a woman, who looked me directly in the eyes and smiled as she stopped. I was a little confused as I stopped and was chatting with her, trying to act like I knew who she was. For those of you who know me, you know how I can't stand not to know the answer and the same is true with people. I can't stand admitting to you, I don't know who you are! LOL! I've really got to grow up about that...Mid-way in our conversation, she stopped talking, an obvious pause, and then said, "I miss you." By this time I had gleaned enough information in our conversation to remember we had worked together at the Spring Lake Campus for FTCC for a year, a few years back. As we said our goodbyes, I told her I have missed her too. In that brief moment of our conversation, I did. I missed her and the times we were together on the campus as we worked together. That day, I was so surprised when she said she missed me. I was completely caught off guard because I didn't realize that we had a relationship that would allow her to miss me. In this encounter, I realized I gage all other relationships against the relationship I have with my family members. They are important to me and I spend as much time as I can find with them as possible. In the past, how much time or interaction I have had with people has translated into my own meaning as to whether or not I have relationship with them. This encounter with my fellow co-worker helped me to realize the numerous relationships I have with people and the impact I often fail to realize I have upon them.
Considering what I learn about myself though, this week, is the most difficult challenge in the weekly reflection. I am the last person I think about, usually. I am constantly looking for ways to help others, to bless others, or just to do something kind for them. I am the last person I consider doing something nice for. This makes it difficult for me to even find time to take care of myself because my time is filled with all that I do to take care of those around me. This week was such a novel experience. My husband gifted me, for an entire week, with breakfasts, lunches, and dinners. He paid special attention to the portion sizes, the food types, and the packaging. I switched from caffeine to non-caffeine coffee, and increased my water intake. The outcome of this was, I actually got three solid nights of sleep and finished all MY laundry this weekend. I feel refreshed, rested, and a sense of satisfaction. I find myself wanting to hold my husband's hand and enjoying the feeling of tousling my grandson's hair. I am looking forward to sitting down with the dogs this evening, watching a movie or reading a book, and having some popcorn. And in all of this, I found myself making time to look in the mirror as I did my hair and put on my make-up. The difference this week was that I actually saw my reflection and liked the person I saw. This is such a long way from the person I was even two years ago. I have struggled with self-hatred for so many years that it became the limp that has made it hard for me to walk. People talk about the person you leave the room to not have to make conversation, or cross the street and hope to avoid eye contact, or even wish one of you would find a reason to move to another town. I have a person I have felt that way about and that person has been me. These past couple of years though I have moved away from seeking to know why I felt that way and just began hearing what God was trying to tell me through the people around me. Everywhere I have gone I have had people tell me they love me, I am special, I am unique in a wonderful way, I am a blessing, I am beautiful, how gifted I am, etc. Don't get me wrong, I know not everyone likes me, but these last couple years my ears have been opened to hearing God tell me who I am and what I mean to Him and in all of that I have decided to agree with Him. With my husband's help this week, I got to practice that and began to see glimpses of Lisa Nichole emerge.
But it was what I learned about God this week that again brings tears to my eyes. In John 15:12-16 Jesus says "...as I have loved you...greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends...You are my friends...But I have called you friend...But I chose you..." My heart swells as I read these verses and these key phrases jump out at me. This week I saw that lived out yet again as God sent me to remind someone they are not forgotten and in the process of it, He spoke to me and reminded me that He cares and I am not forgotten. I called a woman on Wednesday to make arrangements to bring her flowers on Friday, as a surprise. When I got there Friday, she told me Wednesday night the deer had come and eaten all the flowers she has cultivated and landscaped this past year as they have lived in their house. Before the flowers were even gone, God was making arrangements to send her more tender mercies, Hallelujah! The visit got even better though. As we sat talking and reminiscing about their past it finally grew quiet. Just as her husband finished talking, the woman turned to him and told him to be quiet just a minute, then she looked me in the eye and said, "It's your turn. Tell us something about you." As I read that I am God's friend, chosen by Him, and that He literally gave His life for me, I hear her voice saying again, "it's your turn. Tell Me something about you." It is here on this note that I close my reflection because I find it hard to read the screen and my heart is to full for words as I realize in that encounter the invitation coming from the Beloved and My King.
