I am so sorry for not posting last week. I spent a great deal of the week sick and trying to track down car parts for my daughter's car before my husband left for a military trip. After that, I spent the remainder of the time chauffeuring my youngest around and trying to finish my school assignments for the week. Excuses, excuses, excuses! That's really all these are because the truth is, as poorly as I felt last week I was also fighting against the truths revealed in this study. I had forgotten how difficult Beth Moore studies can be and was starting to retreat into old habits again, one in particularly. Over the years God and I have done a dance where He steps closer and closer to me but if He gets to close, I begin to back away. Week 1 began to get a little close. Week 2 began and it got a little closer, sure enough, I began my retreat away from His part in our conversation, however, I have resumed again this week. Once again it was intensely personal but this time I haven't shut down, instead, I sat in His presence and rested in His truth.
This week the lesson was about love. Beth Moore takes us through the Scriptures and present three types of love: eros (grasping love), philos (friend love), and agape (caring love). The entire week study focused primarily on the concepts in 1 Corinthians 13 and presented a stark contrasts of the three types of love presented. Eros love is a selfish love that asks "what can I get for myself?" Beth Moore highlights the connection that it has to sexual love and briefly mentions the importance of this love being redeemed by the presence of God so that it does not become possessive, conquering and controlling. Philos love refers to the love one has toward a companion or friend. It is demonstrated when one places another in a higher position of honor; invites another to share life experiences, both joyful and sorrowful, and it does not come without risk, even the Scriptures make reference to the betrayal that occasionally occurs between friends.
Then there was agape, the caring love, described in 1 Corinthians 13; everything else is in contrast or only a small portion of this love. This love is impossible without the presence of God. To contemplate loving another with this love is overwhelming. Many people are skeptical this kind of love can even occur and think it is nothing more than an unattainable ideal. They read 1 Corinthians 13 as a challenge to live up to and a yard stick against which to measure themselves and they never arrive!
As we read 1 Corinthians 13 and looked at what Agape is and what Agape is not, several things jumped out at me. In summary of 1 Corinthians 13, we find Agape is patient, Agape is kind, it does not envy, does not boast, is not prideful, is not rude, is not self-seeking, is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs, does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth, it always protects, it always trusts, it always hopes, it always perseveres, and it never fails! Like Beth Moore, I was sobered when I read that all my writings, all my teachings, all my prayers and encouragements are meaningless if they are not exercised with love. I was humbled to read of how she asks God for a supernatural love for the people she is teaching each time she teaches. I began to feel a little convicted when I read about how kindness is the act of showing oneself useful. The conviction became a little more personal when I read Acts 7:9 and realized that jealousy enslaves people. The discussion on pride and the negative consequences associated with it, specifically the absence of God in our thoughts, the presence of shame, the deceit that accompanies it, and the captivity of God's people as well as the sorrow it brings God, began to stir something deep inside. Defining rudeness as unseemly or unbecoming conduct and it's crippling of our ability to exercise Agape continued to stir me. I began to reflect upon the my own fears and the manner in which I was crippled and often prohibited in exercising Agape. But it was at the discussion on perseverance that understanding began to dawn within me.
When discussing perseverance, Beth Moore asked a couple of questions, "Do you enjoy long-term relationships? How easily are you discouraged in a relationship?" At the end of the day's lesson she asked the standard question, "How does God want you to respond to what He showed you today?" I identified with the opening stanza to her poem, "I've arrived at the conclusion, maybe one of life's rare finds that there's not a lot worth salvaging within this heart of mine...Peel away my fingers, finally make me understand the power to love and please You can't be found within a man. So, my Lord, I bring this offering; a stubborn heart of stone and ask You, in its absence, please exchange it for Your own." (Beth Moore) As I read this poem aloud I wept and gave God permission to speak, once again, we visited that place I had been trying to avoid.
I can't think of a time in my life that I haven't felt lonely. I can be in a room filled with people, know them all by name, and even know that many of them know my name; yet, still feel on the outside looking in. I can go to weddings, funerals, birthday celebrations, casual dinners with other families, and simple one on one fellowships and still walk away feeling very alone. I know there are people who care about me. I realize if something were to happen to me, my family and several people I have known over the years would grieve and miss me; yet, something leaves me feeling very much still alone and an outcast. Others will invite me to share in their joy and their sorrow but I still hold back. I still refrain from giving them that glimpse inside of me and my fears, my laughter, my passion, and the unique person that God made me.
Last night as I finished the lesson on love God began to walk me through memories of my marriage. I remembered the early years and the frequent times my husband would tell me I am beautiful. I remembered the many times he would come into the room behind me to give me a hug. I remembered the occasions when we would sit together in church and he would hold me close to him as I listened to the Word and just wept because life felt hard that day. And I remembered time and time again how I responded to his every effort to love me, I would quickly kiss him on the cheek and step back. I would criticize my outfits, my weight, my hair, or even my make-up and ask him if he was sure I looked okay. My body would tense up, when he would wrap his arms around me for a hug, and I would just wish he was almost done hugging me. On the occasions at church I let him hold me, I was quick to push away when service was over.
But God didn't stop with these memories. He took me back to our wedding and my husband's proposal. I was a single parent on disability, recently unemployed, unsure if I would even be able to have another child, exhibiting very unstable mental and emotional behavior, with a past of promiscuity and not even able to tell my daughter who her real father was. I had no money. My parents had no money and my relationship with my dad was estranged. When we got married, my husband had to pay for the wedding and my dress. He assumed my college bills, my accumulated credit card debts, became a father to my daughter, and I had nothing to offer him. I realized, last night, how very much of an AGAPE love my husband has for me. I came to him the same way I came to Christ, with nothing to offer. My life was a MESS and the only thing I could give him was me, damaged at best. He never once felt like he got the short end of the stick. Time and time again he has told me how precious I am to him and what an honor it has been to be my husband. He has told me how I still make him get butterflies when he looks at me and what a delight it is when I sit in his arms or even just go for simple drive with him; yet, through all these years I have tried to keep him at arms length. It is the distance that I have kept between him and I that reveal the distance that I have kept between my Lord and I.
Last night as I read about agape love I realized how very afraid I have been. I realized how distant I have kept God. I realized that the loneliness I have around others is because of the distance that has existed between me and my God. It is because I have been afraid to trust Him with my fears, my dreams, my hopes, and even my expectations of Him. I have been so afraid that when it was all said and I done I would look around and find myself despised, outcast, and completely abandoned by those I desperately love and desire to be loved in return. I have been so afraid, somehow, God wouldn't be enough; so, the Scripture that ministered to me the most was 1 John 3:20 "For God is GREATER than MY HEART!" I am resting in His promise, "LOVE WILL NOT FAIL!" I am trusting for His complete healing in me and His agape love to redeem what has been lost as well as restore what has lay in ruins for so long a season. In the process of this, I anticipate fulfillment first, in my marriage, and second in my relationships with others.
ABBA DADDY,
I don't know who will read this posting or where they even are in their own understanding of Your agape for them. I ask that You would wash over these words with Your Spirit and Your agape. Minister Your affection and desire to any brokenness and pain. Use my journey to help others who are crippled, in their own walk with You. Thank You so much for the demonstration of Your desire, longing, and holy passion for me! Thank You so much for a perseverance that has never given up and has continued to tear down the walls that I have built around my heart. Finish what You started. I give my permission for You to finish what You have started. I surrender myself to Your agape and trust that You are all I need but in You I will find myself connected with others who share a similar passion for Your presence and Your word! I pray that as we experience Your agape we would respond with an outpouring into the lives of those around us. In Jesus name, AMEN!
