8/25/12

Beauty in the Beholder's eye

I remember when my youngest daughter was real young, just a baby, in fact. My husband and I had an unspoken agreement not to feed her anything messy; therefore, we fed her a lot of dry of food and made sure it got in her mouth. We were so good at this and presented such a united front, we had developed a system for meal times with her. I would sit on the couch with her leaning against me and he would kneel in front of us and shovel the food in her mouth. He's a perfectionist and he never missed, always using the spoon to scoop any excess food from around her mouth. When she started wanting to feed herself we stuck to foods without dye or sauces. We wanted things that wouldn't stain and did not leave big messes. A bit overboard for sure!

Lately, I've been thinking a great deal about these occasions though and bemoaning the fact that the peace that used to characterize my home seems to have gotten lost. The entire house is filled with emotion! It is awful! At least it was until I heard the laughter of my two daughters and I, as we drove down the road and remembered some precious times together. In that split second I realized laughter had been in short supply in our home over the years! I wished that we had laughed together more as they were growing up! This insight brought a rush of several other insights, in rapid succession of one another. First, what I used to characterize as peace had really been the absence of emotional displays in a desperate attempt to avoid the emotional expressions that made me uncomfortable. Additionally, repression of these emotions had also led to the lack of opportunity to experience some of the more affirming and pleasant emotions such as delight, joy, excitement, anticipation, laughter, and just a true pleasure in one another. Finally, how in the world could I hope to share my family's laughter and delight, if I was not willing to allow them to experience anger or sadness and their varying levels of intensity? Spouses, parents and children, and even friendships, in which we share one another sorrow, pain, and anger, are also relationships in which we find the opportunity to also share in the joy, delight, and laughter that will follow these others as God turns the mourning in to dancing!


My husband and I agreed in prayer several years back: Lord, just let Your Kingdom come and Your will be done in our lives and our children's lives just like it is being done in Heaven. I don't think either one of us had a clue what that might look like. David could not possibly have imagined it would look like him, a king, hiding in caves and fighting for his life at the hand of Saul, who was still wearing the crown and occupying the palace. I'm sure many certainly didn't think it would mean the Messiah hanging on a cross, between two thieves, outside the city walls. I'm sure there were several who had no idea it might look like a group of Kingdom dwellers who lived in fear and many who were persecuted and died horribly for their believes following the resurrection of Christ. Well, I'm here to tell you...it has looked nothing like what I thought it would in our lives either! The other day, as God and I were perusing my most recent memories of our lives, all I saw were finger paintings hanging on clothesline and drying in the wind. Even as I saw them, I cried, "But God...I've been praying our lives would look something like a Van Gogh!" But it is the memory of the child who makes the finger painting just for mom or dad, that will often make the painting more precious than any art piece on the market, and I am sure that my Abba Daddy feels the same way about our families and the finger paintings representing our lives. We admire Van Gogh's but even in estate auctions, as family members die, there is something appealing about the scrapbook filled with crayon pictures drawn throughout the years or the finger painting someone lovingly matted and framed to be viewed throughout their lives! So, don't be afraid to live, really live, with tears and anger and pain and fear because only then will you also be able to know His laughter and joy and delight and pleasure and the absolute glory of who He created us to be! We are not meant to be ruled by our emotions, but we are certainly meant to live with them <3


Isaiah 62:5 "As a bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so will God rejoice over you!"

8/11/12

This past summer I have come to appreciate the simple task of meditating on beauty. There is so much ugliness in the world around me it is very easy to focus upon the simple truth "Sin will be rampant everywhere, and the love of many will grow cold." Everywhere I look, I see hurting people. Everywhere I look, life is discarded, children are aborted, senior citizens are farmed into facilities and forgotten to die alone. Everywhere I look, I see people going hungry, and those who pretend to be hungry to avoid laboring. Everywhere I go, I hear stories of robbery, injustice, unfairness, intolerance, hatred, and the practice of malice against good people who stand for the oppressed. I see my neighbor give their last dollar to clothe the naked and their last crumb to feed the hungry, in return, they are outcasts who are welcome nowhere and ridiculed for being different. Everyday is a struggle for someone to cast their legs over the side of the bed and sit up, taking a deep breath to face another day. Votes are cast but the election is handed to the one who pays the most money. Wave upon wave crashes upon the shore of our lives, demanding us to recognize the vengeance with which it pounds our dreams, increasing anxieties, and bending us over with the heavy yoke of fear. Fear there will never be enough. Fear it will only get worse. Fear nothing will ever change and if change occurs it will not ever be for good. Fear upon fear upon fear upon fear. Not only does the love of many grow cold, but hearts' are failing because of fear!

In a language as old as time, expressed by the Psalmist and many of the prophets, the cry of the wounded can be heard around the world as their tears drench the earth and their sobs fill the heavens. "What hope is there?" they cry and their pain haunts the hearts of those whom they walk among. Let me introduce you to a few of them. First, he cried, "My grief is BEYOND healing; my heart is BROKEN. Listen to the weeping OF MY PEOPLE; it can be heard ACROSS THE LAND." Another said, "How long, O Lord, must I call for help? But YOU do NOT listen! 'Violence is EVERYWHERE!' I cry, but You do NOT come to save. Must I FOREVER see these evil deeds? Why must I WATCH all this misery? WHEREVER I look, I see destruction AND violence. I am SURROUNDED by people who LOVE TO ARGUE AND FIGHT.'" Another said, "We've dealt with violence in this city before. But I've never seen people shaken as much as after this. Everywhere you go, it's kind of a silence, and I don't think it has worn off." Still another says, "We walked three houses down, he pushed me in between two houses and started to molest me. He turned almost into a different person in seconds. He had a knife on me. He threatened to kill me if I did not do what he wanted, then after slapping me around the whole time, I pretended I was dead or passed out so he would leave." Or the retired police officer who weeps because he no longer holds the equipment or authority that will allow him to exercise the necessary brutality to protect his innocent grandson, whose only words are captured in the silent tear slowing rolling down his face as he ducks his head and says, "I KNOW God is good and He loves me."

What a challenge it is to meditate upon the truth found in Romans 5:20-21, "God’s law was given so that all people could see how sinful they were. But as people sinned more and more, God’s wonderful grace became more abundant. So just as sin ruled over all people and brought them to death, now God’s wonderful grace rules instead, giving us right standing with God and resulting in eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." How do we meditate and internalize such a position in Christ when faced with such wickedness? It is only in the return to the foundations of salvation that such a thing can be accomplished. You see, God sees me the same as He sees the terrorist who flew the plane into the Twin Towers on 9/11. God sees me the same as He sees James Holmes, or Casey Anthony, or even Wade Michael Page. There is no continuum of who does the most sin, to God. In God's eyes, the apostle Paul writes, "For everyone has sinned, we all fall short of God's glorious standard" (Romans 3:23). This sin not only separated us from God, but also made us to be counted as His enemy, for in His holiness He cannot abide in the presence of sin. It is this foundation that makes the gift of His Son Jesus Christ such a precious thing. He made it possible for me to be forgiven for my sins, alleviated the penalty that is associated with sin, and then called me His servant, His friend, and His child! When I realize all that I have in common with those who I perceive to be the worst of people and associate the most with wickedness, then I realize the great miracle of His love and how much I have truly been given to know that I never got what I deserved! This is the hope I have, this is the grace that rules and is abundant, this is the truth I encounter when I approach the thickest of darkness in this world and behold the presence of the living God, even in the face of evil! It is an outrageous love He has given us and a furious grace that pursues us! The beauty I meditate on is the delivery of His tender mercies, disguised as the fresh bouquet of roses blooming outside my front porch. The beauty I meditate on is the delivery of His good thoughts and their great number, pictures in the grains of beach sand laying up and down the eastern coast. The beauty I meditate on is found in the early morning song I hear as I awaken and the birds sit in the trees outside my windows, echoing the love song He sang over me in the night! All of these precious gifts of love, from a Beloved God, whose love I could never earn or possibly begin to return!

Moses approached the "thick darkness," knowing it was the place in which he would find God's holiness and presence. He returned covered in the glory of God. Mary Oliver writes,
                                  
                                      Someone I once loved gave me
                                         a box full of darkness.

                                     It took me years to understand
                                     that, this too, was a gift.

Join me as I pray, "Lord, open the eyes of our heart. Enlighten our hearts with understanding of the gift we have been given in the darkness. May our eyes be lifted in expectation and constant anticipation to the hills, knowing that our help comes from YOU! Maker of heaven and earth! Open the ears of our heart, that we may hear and know Your voice. Awaken us with the songs You sing over us in the night watches. Open our hearts with the gentle and skilled touch of Your hands as You hold us near and draw us close in Your arms of love! May we smell the fresh aroma of Your love as You wave Your banner high and wash us in oceans of Your grace, captivated by Your mercy! In Jesus' name--Amen."

On another note~Check out my wonderful sister's precious blog: beyoutifulconviction.blogspot.com about the woman at the dwell, checking the what if's that torment us!

3/9/12

The best gifts!

I remember my birthdays growing up. I have such a great mother. I am so sorry ladies but she is certainly the best mom in the whole world. I never just got a birthday cake or a birthday gift. I always got a birthday cake she baked and a gift she had been looking for all year. We never know when mom buys our birthday gifts, she's always on the lookout. She may be at Walmart, or the Christian bookstore, or online, or at the Salvation Army, or even a department store, but she will see it and recall the thousands of little conversations we had in which we said something that now makes her think of us when she sees the item.


I am the oldest of three children and I love flowers, music, poetry, drama, old movies like Anne of Green Gables, and pretty stationary. One year my mom gave to me a watch that opened like a locket. It was a pendant watch and she had Isaiah 49:16 inscribed on the inside. On the front of the watch had been etched a beautiful rose. Another year she bought me a brush set made of wood and boar hair bristles with an old fashioned hand mirror. Several times she has sent me Coach or Dooney and Burke purses she knew I could never afford new and probably could never bring myself to spend the money on even if I had it. Recently she added to my collection of Foxwood tale story plates, when she found an old one at the local Goodwill. Her gifts never reflected what she thought I should look like, or how she thought I should dress, or what she thought I should read, or where she thought I should visit, or even what she thought I should watch. They were never about her, only about her love for me and her desire to bring me delight.


Yesterday I was reading in Ephesians 5 and stumbled across a little verse, right in the middle of all these instructions on how we should live as children of the light and contrasts to those who in darkness. This little verse said, "Carefully determine what pleases the Lord." Now just in case we miss the context of this verse let me back up to the first verse of the chapter, "Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are His dear children." I read that first verse yesterday and instantly thought of my oldest daughter when she was in kindergarten. Her and her friend were playing in the garage and there was a lot of grunting and loud noises. At first I just kept telling them to play quieter. Finally, it registered with me what I was hearing and I went running to the garage to find out what they were doing. When I asked my daughter she just replied, "We're pretending to have babies mom." I told them to find something else to play. It didn't stop there though. In about the third grade she decided she wanted to wear my clothes to school. She didn't care the kids made fun of her or that she looked different. On picture day we had the most awful fight because she insisted on wearing my skirt, which was to long for her, and my sweater which was falling off her shoulders. I finally pinned and stapled everything to where it would stay on and just sent her off to school. It is only in retrospect that I have now seen what so many of you see reading this, and even making you smile. My daughter loves me. She thought I was so beautiful and wonderful, she wanted to look like me and do everything I did. Isn't that what Ephesians 5:1 speaks about? The implication is the depth of the relationship that exists between us and our ABBA DADDY.


As if the relationship is not clear enough, the Scriptures expand on it time and time again. God knows how many hairs are on your head at any given moment of any given day, despite how many we lose every minute. He eavesdrops on your conversations in hopes you will call His name. He is so captivated by you His unwavering gaze never moves away from you, & He never even sleeps, just watches you as you sleep and sings over you in the night watches. He thinks so many GOOD thoughts towards you they are more numerous than the grains of sand on the shore. He hides jewels for you in the darkest times of your life and not only goes before you and after you, and makes a way for you, but never leaves you...He is ALWAYS with you! He didn't just die for you, He lives for you waiting to bring you home and making intercession continually on your behalf. He gives you NEW tender mercies EVERY morning, not just after the bouquet has died. You literally "rock His world!" We are not just His children, we are truly His DEAR children.


Now some of you might be asking, what does this have to do with carefully finding out what pleases the Lord? It's simple. It is a wonderful thing to get a gift, especially when it is from someone we care about because it tells us how much they care about us. BUT...it is an INCREDIBLE thing to get a gift like the ones my mother gave me. They reflected how much she listened to me. They reflected how often she thought about me. They told me I was ALWAYS on her mind and close to her thoughts! We don't just give gifts to people we love, we give gifts after carefully considering what might bring them great delight, what might please them! Our gifts and the thought that goes into them is a reflection of how much they mean to us. And so I believe Ephesians 5:10 reminds us, don't just do something nice for God! Consider how greatly you are loved and the relationship you have with Him and then carefully select something that will overflow His heart with delight. Let your words, your thoughts, and your actions reflect how very much you love Him. That's certainly what He's done for you! <3

1/21/12

Little girls and Big fears: The Birth of a Prayer Mother

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvOQeozL4S0 I had to do it! I really couldn't think of a better way to introduce the topic of monsters in the dark :0)

The reality is we have all either been the child in bed afraid of the monsters in the closet or the parent running to rescue the child afraid of the monsters in the closet. For those quick enough to jump out of bed when they first jerk awake, they would make a mad dash through the dark to mom and dad's room to either shake them awake or jump into the bed saying, "I had a bad dream!" For those who were not quick enough, before they get their feet to hit the floor they could hear a floorboard creek and never even managed to get their eyes open. Keeping them squeezed as tightly as possible and curled up with the blanket either around the chin or over the head, the little voice might get up enough nerve to say, "Mommy? Daddy?" The silence would be louder than the dark pressed against the eyelids and the voice would get a tad bit louder calling out again, slightly panicked this time, "Mommy? Mommy? Momma?" or "Daddy? Daddy? Daaaaaddddddddyyyyyy?" This time the noise they heard would be the mumble of voices from far away while mom and dad worked out whose turn it was. Hearing a familiar sound, we might open our eyes and call out, "I'M SCARED!!!!!!!!!" For some, a voice would call out, "Nothing to be afraid of...go back to sleep," and you knew you better do as told. For others, they might hear a voice call out, "Mommy's coming baby" or "Daddy will be right there," followed by a series of bumps and exclamations as they made their way through the dark and stumbled into the hall to turn on the light and stand as the shadowy figure in the doorway. "What's a matter sweetheart?" or "Are you okay little man?" might be the questions we would hear. Feeling much more certain of ourselves we quickly respond by pouring out our whole dream and how scary it was. Some parents might sit on the bedside and listen, some remain in the doorway, others might respond with a kiss and a prayer, while still others might turn on the light, lift up the bed skirt, open the closet door, and reassure you there was nothing to be afraid of. Then there were the occasions when sharing our nightmares moved them with compassion to where they would either crawl up in bed with us or invite us to curl up in their bed. It is something we can all relate to on some level or another.

Fears in the night have been the most powerful fears I have ever faced. After this start and the video segment, I am sure many of you are thinking I am talking about being afraid of the dark as a child, or the nightmares that would scare me at bedtime, but I am talking about another night. I am talking about the nighttime of my soul. The time within me where everywhere I looked I could see nothing but something paralyzed me with fear. We had just moved to North Carolina and our oldest daughter was seventeen years old. Looking for a church home, we found a place she was comfortable and a youth group she felt she could relate to. They met in a separate building behind the main sanctuary and every time it was time for us to leave someone would have to go in and get her. It was not ever me. The thought of going back there and walking into a room full of teenagers was overwhelming to me, it paralyzed me with fear. I would ask my husband to go or we would sit in the car and just wait, sometimes I was able to send my youngest daughter in for her. The truth was being around young people reminded me of my past. My past was a dark time and there were some pretty big monsters in my closet! Their names were Shame and Condemnation! Being around young people reminded me of the choices I made as a teenager. They reminded me of the shame, mockery, ridicule, and disrespect, I practiced against my mother. They reminded me of how unfit I had been as a young mother, right out of high school. Their age, their conversations, their appearance, were a constant reminder to me of where I came from and what I had done, and I just lay there paralyzed in fear of the noises I could hear coming from the closet. I could hear voices saying, "She was such a slut," "No one likes her, she is loud and never shuts up," or "I thought she was so mature but I guess it just goes to show how wrong we were." Sometimes I could hear the questions the voices would ask, "You want me to trust my kids with her?" or "You know she's never been married and has no idea who the father of that baby is?" or even "She just looks so foolish, who does she thinks she is?" I could hear the taunts, "You're fat. You're old. You're so outdated. You look so stupid. You do know no one is listening to you? They go the other way when they see you coming. Either that or they just wish you would quit talking." And it was all related to the continued shame and condemnation I felt for my past. I remember crying in frustration because I could not bring myself emotionally to ever complete the training for the Crisis Pregnancy Center. I remember my desperation to learn everything about anything so I would not lose my family, my marriage, and any reputation I might have with those who liked me, when they found out what a fraud I was. None of this changed until I finally worked up enough nerve to call out, "DAAAAAADDDDDDDDYYYYYYYYYYY!" and don't you know, my ABBA DADDY came running.

He used a slip of a girl Tabitha Huggins to turn on the lights and show me there was nothing but shadows in the dark and they went running when the lights came on. She was a young woman at our church and had started attending another church for a while. Eventually she found her way back to Rivers and I would see her at the altar praying. I had written to her on myspace before, to encourage her in the Lord and let her know I was praying for her, but whenever she saw me in person and smiled I just awkwardly smiled and dashed off. I felt so out of my comfort zone because I could see Shame and Condemnation looming in front of me. I knew what she was thinking when she looked at me, "Why does that crazy lady keep talking to me? I think she's kind of weird and wish she'd just leave me alone. This is really awkward." When she came back to the church and I saw her at the altar though something began to shift in me. I went up and prayed for her on several occasions and just ministered the love, compassion, and word of God to her, and one day she turned the light on in my dark room. As I finished praying she fell all over me with a hug, wrapping her arms around me, and whispering in my ear, "Thank you so much! I love you!" Now you thought the momentary encounters were awkward for me, can you imagine how I felt with her draped over me and lavishing the love of God on me in return. My heart melted. Shame and Condemnation scattered the way darkness scatters when light enters a room. The relationship we built became that of a prayer mother and prayer daughter. She was my first :0) Our relationship contained the voice of Jesus echo as He said to Peter, "Peter, do you love me?...Feed my sheep." Her willingness to be a part of my life and her family's love of me restored me to the position and authority God intended me to dwell in all along. It helped me not only with my position in the body of Christ, but helped me step beyond my fears to bond with my own teenage girls.

The little slip of a girl danced her way into my heart, God used her to turn on the lights in the room, while He spoke the reassurance, "Baby girl, there's nothing to be afraid of. See? They are ALL gone. Baby, you are new creation in Me. Old things ARE PASSED AWAY and ALL THINGS are new. I loved you then, in all of your sin, and I love you now, washed in My blood. I won't ever give up on you." He "brought me into His bedchambers" (Song of Songs 1:4). Then He "put His left arm under my head, and His right arm embraced me" (Song of Songs 2:6) As I drifted off to sleep He lay there watching me, never slumbering nor sleeping (Ps.121:4), counting the hairs on my head (Luke 12:7) and sweetly singing me a lullaby (Ps.42:8). I just want to encourage you, if there are monsters in your closet...don't try and make them go away...just call out to our Heavenly Father! You can't be in better hands <3

1/9/12

Now I lay me down to sleep...A Big Girl Prayer

I've started working on a study by Tammie Head entitled "Duty or Delight?" I am only in week 2 but am really enjoying it. This last week she talked about the negative self-talk that takes place in our head and drew attention to the fact Satan is the "accuser of the brethren." She then argued his accusations directly related to the negative self-talk that is running through our minds. Tammie wrote, "Beloved, we need a profound revelation of the love of God and a fuller understanding of His character. Our soul-deep beliefs have everything to do with how well we handle daily seductions to insecurity and the accusations Satan brings." She then went on to ask if our actions and insecurities really reflected a soul-deep belief that God loves us. To be able to answer that question she asked three other questions related to how I feel about me; if I answered 'yes' to any of the three questions she recommended taking the time to "drink deeply of God's character." Psalm 145 was the Scripture she encouraged us to drink deeply from and to note seven things we notice about who God is and how He relates to us, closing with asking which verse ministered the most to me personally. Psalm 145:9 is the answer to that question and it is this verse and why it ministered to deeply to me that I want to share with you.

I am a student. I love to study! I cannot say it enough...I LOVE TO STUDY! Learning is something I am passionate. Unfortunately I have been motivated by the wrong reasons. I love learning because it makes me feel safe. The more I know the more control I feel like I can have over a bad situation. I try to avoid confrontation, difficulties, trials, hardships, and anything that will result in pain of any kind. I know, I know, NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! But then again the other reason I love learning so much is because it helps me feel good about myself to get a grade, a good one! It makes me feel smart, pretty, powerful, and valuable to lay claim to being an honor roll student. This, my friend, is definitely me putting my trust in chariots and horses. Pride is a horrible thing and it will torment you. It certainly has me. It leaves me feeling inadequate at most things. It drives me to continue learning without finding any satisfaction because I can never know enough, especially when I am measuring enough in terms of whether I am able to be in control at all times and avoid pain. Based on all of this, I realized this last week that I definitely do NOT REALLY believe God loves me, so Psalm 145:9 was a source of comfort for me.

Psalm 145:9 says, "The Lord is good to ALL. And His tender mercies are over ALL HIS works!" I read that verse and just sat and cried as I thought about why it meant so much to me. As a little girl there was no where I felt safer than at night when my daddy tucked me in my bed. I loved the feeling of the blanket being tucked around me as I snuggled up deep in the covers and felt my dad lean over and kiss me goodnight. As a wife and mother, I have watched my husband tuck our girls in at night. He would first play peekaboo with them and then tuck them deep inside the blankets firmly tucking the edging of the blanket all the way down the side of their body. It reminded me of the tender way he would wrap our youngest in the blankets when she was a little baby. She fought it so much and then would fall asleep. I used to tell him she hated it and he should just relax but he would just smile and tell me it makes her feel safe because she used to be inside of you. Reading Psalm 145:9 made me feel like that little girl. Granted there have been times I have been frustrated as God has wrapped me in those tender mercies and they have been over me. His tender mercies are not defined the way I define them, sometimes they are correction and discipline (things that just feel painful) and they are all over me. Finally though I realize the warmth, security, and protection I find in them and just snuggle up deep inside. Truly believing God loves me is relinquishing my constant need to be in control and to let Him cover me, tuck me in, and wrap me up in those tender mercies as the helpless babe I am. It carries with it the promise of finding rest snuggled up deep inside His goodness! He even sings a lullaby as He sings over us in the night (Ps.42:8; Zeph.3:17). Moms and dads tuck us in and kiss us goodnight but our ABBA DADDY tucks us in and then lays down next to us, with His left arm under our head and His right hand embracing us (Song of Solomon 8:3). There's really no better place to be <3