I remember supervision in my second Clinical Pastoral Education Unit. I would show up for my one on one supervision. My supervisor would greet me and offer me a seat, while straightening his desk and quoting something to me. The quotes were usually deep and insightful and every week, right after quoting, he would do the same thing. My supervisor would ask me, "Lisa, do you know who wrote that?" I never knew, but it was always the same author...me.
In CPE we had to write weekly reflections, for both of my units these moments were excruciatingly painful to me and I avoided them to the very last minute every time. At the end of the second unit, my supervisor asked me, "How would you describe the experience of writing your reflections?" I remember sharing that in the first unit it was like driving down I-95 in the little red CRX I drove at the time and the passenger with me yanked up the emergency brake suddenly and we came to a screeching, smoking, stop in the middle of the interstate and without warning. WOW! That image still leaves me with a racing heart! I went on to share that my second unit that had changed somewhat. Now I felt like writing reflections was like coming to a four way intersection and seeing a stop sign. I would look in all four directions and make sure nothing was coming and slow down to do a California rolling stop, but not really come to a complete stop. I was more focused on getting where I needed to go, to do what I needed to do, than on obeying the law, valuing myself, and practicing safety. Much better than the I-95 scenario, but still not great.
Although I am no longer in CPE, I have recently returned to journaling. I have added stickers and coloring to it and turned it into an opportunity for relaxation and creativity. Truthfully, I needed that because it has demanded courage of me to reflect. With all that has taken place in my personal life in the last five years, combined with the nature of my work, and the recent integration of my past as it has collided with my present, reflection has become a friend, a comfort, a hope, an opportunity for healing, and a learning tool, but it has also been painful. The deepest convictions, truths, insights, and opportunities for healing come out of those reflective moments as the Word of God and the people we love and those we encounter become mirrors that we might see in our blind spots the very thing over which we keep stumbling. The deep insightful quotes my supervisor identified in my writings were the tools I needed but just kept putting into the toolbox, never using them for my healing or for supporting those around me. Whether we call it reflection, meditation, or any other word, it has been around for a long time. David and others often inserted into the Psalms the word SELAH, pause, reflect, consider. Psalms 139 states that God knows so much about us that He knows all about the words on our tongue before we even speak them. He understands where they are born from, what is prompting them, and all that is associated with them-not just their literal meaning. SELAH allows me to know Him and to know myself, for in this part of the journey I find all that I need when I know myself well enough to know what I need and the One who can provide it. I would encourage you to schedule and protect your own SELAH moments. They are worth fighting for, after all, stopping at a stop sign at a four way intersection is not just the law, it is for my own benefit. SELAH
