http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvOQeozL4S0 I had to do it! I really couldn't think of a better way to introduce the topic of monsters in the dark :0)
The reality is we have all either been the child in bed afraid of the monsters in the closet or the parent running to rescue the child afraid of the monsters in the closet. For those quick enough to jump out of bed when they first jerk awake, they would make a mad dash through the dark to mom and dad's room to either shake them awake or jump into the bed saying, "I had a bad dream!" For those who were not quick enough, before they get their feet to hit the floor they could hear a floorboard creek and never even managed to get their eyes open. Keeping them squeezed as tightly as possible and curled up with the blanket either around the chin or over the head, the little voice might get up enough nerve to say, "Mommy? Daddy?" The silence would be louder than the dark pressed against the eyelids and the voice would get a tad bit louder calling out again, slightly panicked this time, "Mommy? Mommy? Momma?" or "Daddy? Daddy? Daaaaaddddddddyyyyyy?" This time the noise they heard would be the mumble of voices from far away while mom and dad worked out whose turn it was. Hearing a familiar sound, we might open our eyes and call out, "I'M SCARED!!!!!!!!!" For some, a voice would call out, "Nothing to be afraid of...go back to sleep," and you knew you better do as told. For others, they might hear a voice call out, "Mommy's coming baby" or "Daddy will be right there," followed by a series of bumps and exclamations as they made their way through the dark and stumbled into the hall to turn on the light and stand as the shadowy figure in the doorway. "What's a matter sweetheart?" or "Are you okay little man?" might be the questions we would hear. Feeling much more certain of ourselves we quickly respond by pouring out our whole dream and how scary it was. Some parents might sit on the bedside and listen, some remain in the doorway, others might respond with a kiss and a prayer, while still others might turn on the light, lift up the bed skirt, open the closet door, and reassure you there was nothing to be afraid of. Then there were the occasions when sharing our nightmares moved them with compassion to where they would either crawl up in bed with us or invite us to curl up in their bed. It is something we can all relate to on some level or another.
Fears in the night have been the most powerful fears I have ever faced. After this start and the video segment, I am sure many of you are thinking I am talking about being afraid of the dark as a child, or the nightmares that would scare me at bedtime, but I am talking about another night. I am talking about the nighttime of my soul. The time within me where everywhere I looked I could see nothing but something paralyzed me with fear. We had just moved to North Carolina and our oldest daughter was seventeen years old. Looking for a church home, we found a place she was comfortable and a youth group she felt she could relate to. They met in a separate building behind the main sanctuary and every time it was time for us to leave someone would have to go in and get her. It was not ever me. The thought of going back there and walking into a room full of teenagers was overwhelming to me, it paralyzed me with fear. I would ask my husband to go or we would sit in the car and just wait, sometimes I was able to send my youngest daughter in for her. The truth was being around young people reminded me of my past. My past was a dark time and there were some pretty big monsters in my closet! Their names were Shame and Condemnation! Being around young people reminded me of the choices I made as a teenager. They reminded me of the shame, mockery, ridicule, and disrespect, I practiced against my mother. They reminded me of how unfit I had been as a young mother, right out of high school. Their age, their conversations, their appearance, were a constant reminder to me of where I came from and what I had done, and I just lay there paralyzed in fear of the noises I could hear coming from the closet. I could hear voices saying, "She was such a slut," "No one likes her, she is loud and never shuts up," or "I thought she was so mature but I guess it just goes to show how wrong we were." Sometimes I could hear the questions the voices would ask, "You want me to trust my kids with her?" or "You know she's never been married and has no idea who the father of that baby is?" or even "She just looks so foolish, who does she thinks she is?" I could hear the taunts, "You're fat. You're old. You're so outdated. You look so stupid. You do know no one is listening to you? They go the other way when they see you coming. Either that or they just wish you would quit talking." And it was all related to the continued shame and condemnation I felt for my past. I remember crying in frustration because I could not bring myself emotionally to ever complete the training for the Crisis Pregnancy Center. I remember my desperation to learn everything about anything so I would not lose my family, my marriage, and any reputation I might have with those who liked me, when they found out what a fraud I was. None of this changed until I finally worked up enough nerve to call out, "DAAAAAADDDDDDDDYYYYYYYYYYY!" and don't you know, my ABBA DADDY came running.
He used a slip of a girl Tabitha Huggins to turn on the lights and show me there was nothing but shadows in the dark and they went running when the lights came on. She was a young woman at our church and had started attending another church for a while. Eventually she found her way back to Rivers and I would see her at the altar praying. I had written to her on myspace before, to encourage her in the Lord and let her know I was praying for her, but whenever she saw me in person and smiled I just awkwardly smiled and dashed off. I felt so out of my comfort zone because I could see Shame and Condemnation looming in front of me. I knew what she was thinking when she looked at me, "Why does that crazy lady keep talking to me? I think she's kind of weird and wish she'd just leave me alone. This is really awkward." When she came back to the church and I saw her at the altar though something began to shift in me. I went up and prayed for her on several occasions and just ministered the love, compassion, and word of God to her, and one day she turned the light on in my dark room. As I finished praying she fell all over me with a hug, wrapping her arms around me, and whispering in my ear, "Thank you so much! I love you!" Now you thought the momentary encounters were awkward for me, can you imagine how I felt with her draped over me and lavishing the love of God on me in return. My heart melted. Shame and Condemnation scattered the way darkness scatters when light enters a room. The relationship we built became that of a prayer mother and prayer daughter. She was my first :0) Our relationship contained the voice of Jesus echo as He said to Peter, "Peter, do you love me?...Feed my sheep." Her willingness to be a part of my life and her family's love of me restored me to the position and authority God intended me to dwell in all along. It helped me not only with my position in the body of Christ, but helped me step beyond my fears to bond with my own teenage girls.
The little slip of a girl danced her way into my heart, God used her to turn on the lights in the room, while He spoke the reassurance, "Baby girl, there's nothing to be afraid of. See? They are ALL gone. Baby, you are new creation in Me. Old things ARE PASSED AWAY and ALL THINGS are new. I loved you then, in all of your sin, and I love you now, washed in My blood. I won't ever give up on you." He "brought me into His bedchambers" (Song of Songs 1:4). Then He "put His left arm under my head, and His right arm embraced me" (Song of Songs 2:6) As I drifted off to sleep He lay there watching me, never slumbering nor sleeping (Ps.121:4), counting the hairs on my head (Luke 12:7) and sweetly singing me a lullaby (Ps.42:8). I just want to encourage you, if there are monsters in your closet...don't try and make them go away...just call out to our Heavenly Father! You can't be in better hands <3
1/9/12
Now I lay me down to sleep...A Big Girl Prayer
I've started working on a study by Tammie Head entitled "Duty or Delight?" I am only in week 2 but am really enjoying it. This last week she talked about the negative self-talk that takes place in our head and drew attention to the fact Satan is the "accuser of the brethren." She then argued his accusations directly related to the negative self-talk that is running through our minds. Tammie wrote, "Beloved, we need a profound revelation of the love of God and a fuller understanding of His character. Our soul-deep beliefs have everything to do with how well we handle daily seductions to insecurity and the accusations Satan brings." She then went on to ask if our actions and insecurities really reflected a soul-deep belief that God loves us. To be able to answer that question she asked three other questions related to how I feel about me; if I answered 'yes' to any of the three questions she recommended taking the time to "drink deeply of God's character." Psalm 145 was the Scripture she encouraged us to drink deeply from and to note seven things we notice about who God is and how He relates to us, closing with asking which verse ministered the most to me personally. Psalm 145:9 is the answer to that question and it is this verse and why it ministered to deeply to me that I want to share with you.
I am a student. I love to study! I cannot say it enough...I LOVE TO STUDY! Learning is something I am passionate. Unfortunately I have been motivated by the wrong reasons. I love learning because it makes me feel safe. The more I know the more control I feel like I can have over a bad situation. I try to avoid confrontation, difficulties, trials, hardships, and anything that will result in pain of any kind. I know, I know, NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! But then again the other reason I love learning so much is because it helps me feel good about myself to get a grade, a good one! It makes me feel smart, pretty, powerful, and valuable to lay claim to being an honor roll student. This, my friend, is definitely me putting my trust in chariots and horses. Pride is a horrible thing and it will torment you. It certainly has me. It leaves me feeling inadequate at most things. It drives me to continue learning without finding any satisfaction because I can never know enough, especially when I am measuring enough in terms of whether I am able to be in control at all times and avoid pain. Based on all of this, I realized this last week that I definitely do NOT REALLY believe God loves me, so Psalm 145:9 was a source of comfort for me.
Psalm 145:9 says, "The Lord is good to ALL. And His tender mercies are over ALL HIS works!" I read that verse and just sat and cried as I thought about why it meant so much to me. As a little girl there was no where I felt safer than at night when my daddy tucked me in my bed. I loved the feeling of the blanket being tucked around me as I snuggled up deep in the covers and felt my dad lean over and kiss me goodnight. As a wife and mother, I have watched my husband tuck our girls in at night. He would first play peekaboo with them and then tuck them deep inside the blankets firmly tucking the edging of the blanket all the way down the side of their body. It reminded me of the tender way he would wrap our youngest in the blankets when she was a little baby. She fought it so much and then would fall asleep. I used to tell him she hated it and he should just relax but he would just smile and tell me it makes her feel safe because she used to be inside of you. Reading Psalm 145:9 made me feel like that little girl. Granted there have been times I have been frustrated as God has wrapped me in those tender mercies and they have been over me. His tender mercies are not defined the way I define them, sometimes they are correction and discipline (things that just feel painful) and they are all over me. Finally though I realize the warmth, security, and protection I find in them and just snuggle up deep inside. Truly believing God loves me is relinquishing my constant need to be in control and to let Him cover me, tuck me in, and wrap me up in those tender mercies as the helpless babe I am. It carries with it the promise of finding rest snuggled up deep inside His goodness! He even sings a lullaby as He sings over us in the night (Ps.42:8; Zeph.3:17). Moms and dads tuck us in and kiss us goodnight but our ABBA DADDY tucks us in and then lays down next to us, with His left arm under our head and His right hand embracing us (Song of Solomon 8:3). There's really no better place to be <3
I am a student. I love to study! I cannot say it enough...I LOVE TO STUDY! Learning is something I am passionate. Unfortunately I have been motivated by the wrong reasons. I love learning because it makes me feel safe. The more I know the more control I feel like I can have over a bad situation. I try to avoid confrontation, difficulties, trials, hardships, and anything that will result in pain of any kind. I know, I know, NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! But then again the other reason I love learning so much is because it helps me feel good about myself to get a grade, a good one! It makes me feel smart, pretty, powerful, and valuable to lay claim to being an honor roll student. This, my friend, is definitely me putting my trust in chariots and horses. Pride is a horrible thing and it will torment you. It certainly has me. It leaves me feeling inadequate at most things. It drives me to continue learning without finding any satisfaction because I can never know enough, especially when I am measuring enough in terms of whether I am able to be in control at all times and avoid pain. Based on all of this, I realized this last week that I definitely do NOT REALLY believe God loves me, so Psalm 145:9 was a source of comfort for me.
Psalm 145:9 says, "The Lord is good to ALL. And His tender mercies are over ALL HIS works!" I read that verse and just sat and cried as I thought about why it meant so much to me. As a little girl there was no where I felt safer than at night when my daddy tucked me in my bed. I loved the feeling of the blanket being tucked around me as I snuggled up deep in the covers and felt my dad lean over and kiss me goodnight. As a wife and mother, I have watched my husband tuck our girls in at night. He would first play peekaboo with them and then tuck them deep inside the blankets firmly tucking the edging of the blanket all the way down the side of their body. It reminded me of the tender way he would wrap our youngest in the blankets when she was a little baby. She fought it so much and then would fall asleep. I used to tell him she hated it and he should just relax but he would just smile and tell me it makes her feel safe because she used to be inside of you. Reading Psalm 145:9 made me feel like that little girl. Granted there have been times I have been frustrated as God has wrapped me in those tender mercies and they have been over me. His tender mercies are not defined the way I define them, sometimes they are correction and discipline (things that just feel painful) and they are all over me. Finally though I realize the warmth, security, and protection I find in them and just snuggle up deep inside. Truly believing God loves me is relinquishing my constant need to be in control and to let Him cover me, tuck me in, and wrap me up in those tender mercies as the helpless babe I am. It carries with it the promise of finding rest snuggled up deep inside His goodness! He even sings a lullaby as He sings over us in the night (Ps.42:8; Zeph.3:17). Moms and dads tuck us in and kiss us goodnight but our ABBA DADDY tucks us in and then lays down next to us, with His left arm under our head and His right hand embracing us (Song of Solomon 8:3). There's really no better place to be <3