12/26/14

One Foot Out the Door

I remember when I first got married like it was yesterday. Who doesn't? Well, I think maybe I remember it so vividly for a very different reason. I dreamed of staying single and to say I didn't want to get married would be an understatement. I got married because I believed it was what God wanted for me at that point in my life and trusted that He knew what was better for me and my daughter than I knew myself. All my plans had were working out so well, NOT! While the wedding was not bad, the part of submitting to a man was beyond painful to me. I wanted to be a career woman and he understood himself to be the primary provider in the home and had an active duty military career. We had one vehicle and he was not getting out of the military or putting his job at risk so I could work. His job took precedence over anything I wanted, which meant he got first dibs on the vehicle and I needed to be available to be with our daughter, eventually two daughters. God did a work in me and things began to change until we got orders to Germany; then life became a nightmare.

I remember our 8 years together in Germany because it was where we became a family. Stores closed early there and we had little money to do anything while living there; so, we spent a lot of time together in our apartment. We spent so much time together as a family that I hated life even more in the beginning. I wanted to work there too and was not able to. I felt like a failure because I was a "stay at home mom" and "just a wife." These were the labels I attached to myself and despised myself for it. I wanted to be bringing in a second income and to have the money and opportunities it would afford us, but it cost me more in childcare to work than to be at home. The first four years of Germany were the most miserable though because we only had one car there too; so, I was stranded at home and could not even go do things with the kids on my own. I remember feeling trapped and hating everyone that I was trapped with. Weekends would roll around and my husband would be home and I would be hateful and filled with anger and continually outbursts of wrath. Each time we were together there was something that would make me so angry I lived with one foot out the door. Time and again I would stand in the stairwell hall, next to my door, tears rolling down my face, begging God to let me go! I couldn't afford to leave my husband and my family financially and deep within me I understood the decision would impact others also. I remember times I would make it out to the car, having slammed out of the house. Sitting in the car behind the drivers wheel I would sob and pray because I was in a foreign country and had no money and could not leave my family. God did a work in me and again things began to change; but once again, life became nightmarish as my husband retired from the military and we had two grandsons.

Kris has been retired now for two years in March 2015. The first year was the most difficult time for me to make that transition. Once again, life got really hard and it was not working out the way I wanted. Once again, I began to live with one foot out the door. This time it was a little different though. Grace ministered deeper than before and I found myself letting go of the things I was clutching in my hand. I found myself remembering the words of our wedding vows made over 20 years ago. I found myself reflecting on the moments filled with laughter, tears, hugs, and gentle touches from him and my children. This time, though the tears fell and the pain was deep, I knew we would make it. I knew I would make it. I knew this time, the struggle was really about me learning to handle change and disappointment in a way that would bring Him glory. As Christmas has come and now gone in 2014, I have been surrounded by love and family. I have been strengthened by good friends and fortunate to find warriors who stand beside me in prayer and encouragement through some of the most fearful and anxious times for me. But most of all, I have been blessed by a God whose unfailing love did not allow Him to give up on me. While He hurt for my marriage and the pain in it, He was determined beyond all else that I would know Him. Only in being found by Him have I found satisfaction and grace in my marriage and come to love my husband and family as the gifts God intended them to be. I rarely share this part of my testimony because it is painful for me to even think about. I was filled with such hatred, rage, and bitterness, because of my disappointment at not getting my way. I created such a hostile place on so many occasions in a sacred space created to be a refuge, not a war zone. Today as I sat in my devotion time though, I felt as if there are others who are in pain. I felt as if I was close to them and just wanted to reach out and let them know, "You are not alone! God sees. He will not quit and He will not leave. No matter why the tears fall, He is close enough to catch them in a bottle. Don't give up!!!!!! This is a battle worth fighting! There will be far greater losses if you give up! I'm praying for you."

12/13/14

Grief at Christmas

I haven't had much time to say anything; however, this has really been sitting heavy in my heart. Several of those associated with me on Facebook are posting about grief, loss, and the holiday. Christmas is a time of year that naturally makes us think about those who are no longer celebrating with us. Just yesterday I was driving home from my daughter's house, with my husband and grandson, listening to Christmas carols and I started to cry as I remembered my friend Ken. Christmas was one of his favorite times of the year and he loved Jesus more than anything and anyone. His family lives five minutes from ours; as we drove by his house, I remember thinking, "My friend, I sure do miss you!" Earlier in the week, someone had shared with me, "God understands my grief," and this has stuck with me all week. It is only now that I find the time to reply to that statement.

A few weeks ago I was asked to share a devotion with some ladies at the local church I attend. The Lord gave me Isaiah 53:3 "He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised and we esteemed him not." Jesus was conceived in grief and loss, with his mother suffering loss of family, community, friendships, and facing the potential loss of her betrothed; yet, she said "YES." When he was born, she watched him being rejected by those around him. She watched him, over the years, as he was despised by his peers. Mary spent a lifetime observing the countless occasions her baby boy was actively hated, passed over, and either persecuted or blatantly ignored. When he reached a peak in his life, she watched it cut short as he hung between two criminals, on a cross, outside the city walls. His body was mutilated and bloody as he hung on the cross. His body and face were covered in blood as she watched him draw his last breath. What has that got to do with Christmas you might ask? Even more important, what does it have to do with surviving grief at the holidays?

Did you know grief impacts us physically, emotionally, and mentally? It makes the body more tired and there is an element of depression. The body becomes easily fatigued because it has to work harder to do the daily tasks it is accustomed to doing. Emotions are often intense and the intensity can be easily triggered by something as simple as a smell or color that reminds us of the one we are missing. Regulating these emotions to avoid embarrassment in front of people or to continue working can be difficult. For a mother with other children, they often express the importance of "keeping it together" to provide stability for the other children. People who are grieving can be forgetful and indecisive. This can be a source of frustration to the both the individual grieving and those depending on him or her. Grief happens naturally and is a natural response when someone we love dies; so, it cannot be circumvented forever and no medication or treatment can "cure" it. Grief of a parent who has had a child die can be even more intense. The loss of a child can cause a marriage to crumple, especially when coupled with poor communication, lack of tolerance concerning different grieving styles, and a lack of education regarding grief in general. Studies relating to grief and loss of a child have shown "Everyone suffers loss in different ways depending upon their beliefs, culture, family history, and relationship with the person who died. It doesn't mean that others care less if they mourn differently than you do. Grief can also vary greatly depending upon how the child died. While some losses are less visible, such as miscarriage, other experiences of loss are more traumatic, such as an accident, illness, murder or death during war. Even more significant is that the parents of murder victims face many unique struggles in their process of bereavement. A sense of loss of control is common, and the suddenness of the death is so overwhelming that, for a period of time, parents are often incapable of processing through the grief. For this group, dealing with spiritual beliefs, attitudes toward life, and general physical health may hold special importance."
(American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy www.aamft.org)

Again we revisit the questions I asked at the beginning. What does all of this have to do with Mary, Christmas, and grief at Christmas? Mary was a parent who watched her child traumatically murdered. Each year we celebrate Christmas, what we commonly call the birthday of Jesus, Mary might have experienced it differently. No matter what promises she had pondered in her heart or knew God had given her regarding her son, it was still her baby boy that she watched die that day on Calvary. A lifetime of loss and grief associated with all the dreams she of her baby boy and what it would look like when he grew up and even lived out the promise of the Messiah to save His people. His life was cut short. She was never a grandmother to his babies. Mary never met the woman that he had chosen to spend his life with. She never watched him overthrow the Roman Government that oppressed them. Does the blessing of tomorrow wipe away the grief of the past? No, it just gives us comfort and hope! Yes, the way He saved His people was so much MORE spectacular...HE ROSE FROM THE DEAD!!!!! That is awesome! But I don't know that it ever changed the spot Jesus held in His mother's heart. She carried him for nine months in her belly, went through childbirth with him, and watched as he grew up while she knew he was the son of God! Just as our babies grow up and are still our babies...I imagine He grew up but remained her baby boy and that would have made her grief intense. So when I hear someone say..."God understands my grief," my heart overflows, my eyes fill with tears, and I think..."Yes my friend, He does." What helps with grief at Christmas time? Remembering the life that you loved, and allowing the hope and comfort of God to take you through today. While that is an extremely spiritual answer, I am just not convinced of any other. No one knows more or understands more about grief than the Father of the one who was given for us <3