8/8/11

Intimacy with God

I was recently reminded of why I became a Christian and what it meant to fall completely and irrevocably in love with Jesus Christ. Additionally, I was challenged to evaluate where I began and where I currently am and in the process of it all I understood how lukewarm I had become. The Holy Spirit repeatedly challenged me to "return to your first love, remember from where you came and do the first works again." I began to long to be on fire and filled with a hunger once again, so I picked up a Cynthia Heald study on Intimacy with God. I have been taking my time at it and just re-learning what it means to be committed to finishing what I start. At the beginning of the study she draws careful attention to God's longing to be close and intimate with us. She describes us as being restless with a drive "to find someone who will love us for who we are, understand our fears and anxieties, affirm our dependance our worth, and call our lives into account. To admit our need for and dependance upon god requires humility and vulnerability, which paves the way not only for knowing God, but also for becoming intimated with Him." She associates true intimacy with the confidence that we can reveal our true selves with the expectation and anticipation of being understood, accepted, and respond in communication that reveals both support and love, with only our ultimate good in mind. This week I have been pondering the question, "Is God trustworthy?"

My head screams "YES!" in response to this question, but the honest to goodness truth is my heart says, "I'm not sure." I know there are things that I have quietly kept in the shadows. While I haven't tried to completely hide them from God, I have kept them in the shadows of the furthest corner of the room and hesitated to open them up for discussion. For this week Cynthia gives four chapters to read in Psalms (31, 40, 55, 56). She asks the reader to identify in each chapter what type of circumstances have prompted the writer to trust in God. I have devoted the last two days to reading and studying chapters 31 and 40. In both chapters the writer is in trouble. He is literally surrounded on every side by his enemies. He is oppressed, persecuted, pits have been dug for him to fall into, and he is mocked on every occasion. But it was after reading chapter 40 that I really began to understand what I was reading.

In Psalms 31 there were several factors that contributed to the writer's complete trust in God. In verse 1the psalmist was acquainted with God's righteousness. Verse 3 is the writer's recognition of God's concern and protection for HIS name. Next, verse 5 recognizes the faithfulness of God while verse 7 refers to the psalmist's knowledge that God cares about the "anguish of his soul." In addition to these characteristics of God, the psalmist is also acquainted with the lavish exhibit of God goodness and love towards those who belong to God and the assurance of His protection from those who are His children and are loyal to Him. As I read all that the psalmist knew about God the question that screamed through my heart was, "BUT HOW did he know all this God????!!!!!!!!" Verse 21 provided the answer to the question that I couldn't ignore. It says, "Blessed be the Lord: for He has showed me His marvelous kindness in a strong city." God showed it to him.

Today, I went to do a similar walk through and reflection on Psalm 40. A great deal of it was the same. This psalmist also was grateful that God had rescued him from the pits his enemies had dug. He was also surrounded with troubles, piled under sin, about to be destroyed, humiliated, and shamed (v.12-14). Interestingly enough, this psalmist also had an intimate acquaintance with the Lord and a relationship. He describes God as being the One who rescued him out of a previous pit and steadied him as he walked along (v.2). He was the One who gave the writer a "new song" and "performed many wonders" for him (v.3, 5). In addition, the writer also knew the Lord was a God of justice, faithfulness, and the power to save (v.10).  This writer also was intimately acquainted with God and His character and it was this relationship that was a factor in inspiring the writer to trust God.

As I calmly read and made notes, my heart cried, "How did he KNOW You God?????!!!!!!" I like those "how to" books. I want an abc formula for drawing closer to God and can't seem to find one. This chapter didn't give me a single answer the way chapter 31 did, the answer to my question was contained in the structure of the psalm. There were four things that occurred in this chapter.

First, the psalmist "waited patiently." The phrase "waited patiently" refers to the psalmist's hope and perseverance at a time when all seemed lost. It was an anticipation of God's goodness to be revealed in the midst of a terrible situation. This writer was an individual who did not deviated from what he knew about God, even when things were not going his way. He continued to come before the throne of grace, unwavering in his request, as well as confident in the assurance that God would hear him. The King James Version goes on to say God "inclined" to the writer before He even "heard" his cry. This means that before God actually intelligently listened to the request of His child, God had already stretched Himself out over the situation and His child. He already caused the enemy to yield and had overthrown all the enemy's efforts to bring harm to His child, BEFORE He even intelligently listened and understood the requests of His child.

Next, the writer "was made to listen" (v.6). In the KJV the phrase says that the Lord "opened" the psalmist's ears. This word means "to bore a hole." It was as if he had only been hearing the rumble of the Lord's voice, like when our hears feel like there is fluid inside. The Lord had gone in and bore a hole to put tubes in the ears of His child, so he could hear better. I loved this image because I could relate. So many times my ears feel like they are stuffed with cotton because there is fluid build-up. I will crank the television and stereo up, and even ask family members to repeat themselves numerous times so I can understand what they are saying. One of the things that can be done for this problem is to surgically place tubes in the ears. This bores a hole so the individual can hear more clearly. But then the question that is asked is, "but how do I actually hear God's voice?" So many people today are confused about this issue because they fail to listen for God's voice within His word. The psalmist made reference, in verse 7, to the Scriptures and God's instructions being written on his heart. He knew God's voice because he "knew" God's word.  God MADE the writer to listen to His voice. We can read the word of God but without His "making" us to hear it, it is nothing more than a book that we read. It is His Spirit that breathes life into it and makes it live within us, while opening our hearts with understanding of what it all means to us.

In addition to waiting and hearing, the writer also testifies of who he knows God is and what God has done in the past. His eyes were not focused on what had not yet occurred, rather his gaze was filled with wonder at the awe of who God is. I remember growing and being so unhappy. My mother finally asked me, when I was older, why do you spend so much time recounting the unhappy memories. I remember her telling me that all it was doing was making me focus on a future that had not yet come. The problem with all of this was that it all overshadowed the good times in my past and blinded me to the wonderful things in my present. The psalmist testified of God's justice, faithfulness, and saving power (v.10). He told of God's unfailing love AND faithfulness (v.11). He included himself in those who love the Lord's salvation and repeatedly shouted, "The LORD is great!" (v.16). He didn't need God to prove Himself or His affection before the psalmist told people of his wonderful God, the past experiences between God and the psalmist as well as the word that had been "written" on the psalmist heart were enough to compel testimony.

Finally the writer, had a recognition of his own condition without God and the staggering need for God's presence and intervention in his life. I cannot begin to count the number of times I have tried to build or advance my relationship with God based only on my knowledge of how wonderful I know God is. The problem with this is that the knowledge never moved from my head to my heart. I have been so afraid of pain, suffering, hardship, conflict, and loss, that I have often spent my energy trying to "worship" God without ever trusting Him. I have tried to declare, to the world around me, God's value as being priceless and worth everything but deep in heart I have not practiced the intimacy to know this to be true. So once again I find myself hearing the Holy Spirit ask, "Is God trustworthy Lisa?" Based on all that I read I still cry "Yes!" only NOW my heart cries "I NEED YOU LORD! In my finances, in my family, in my school, in my job, in my calling, and all the other things that I worry about and am so afraid of failing at! I need YOU to deliver me from the accusations of worthlessness and malice that the enemy repeatedly hits me with! I need YOU to speak to my shame and condemnation regarding my past and my fears that it will all overtake me! I AM lost without YOU Lord, 'As for ME, SINCE I am POOR AND NEEDY, KEEP me in YOUR thoughts. You ARE my HELPER and my SAVIOR! O my GOD, do NOT delay!"

The true question was never really is God trustworthy, it was "Lisa, when will YOU trust ME?"

8/2/11

Dancing with my Beloved!

My husband and I were talking yesterday and remembering three or four years ago when I was a student at Beacon University. I was taking the family dynamics course and reading several books on marriage. There were so many ideas and I was excited to try all of them. I would show Kris the books, share the ideas, and even try to convince (alright, I'll be honest...nag) him into trying the ideas. He often looked at me and would reply, "Lisa, I don't understand. Our marriage is great, why are you so panicky? What do you think is going to happen?" Yesterday, I had the opportunity to remind him of those words as we discussed the changing seasons in our lives. We are both still happy but things certainly ARE different. It takes a lot more work to make things happen now. The kids are also much busier with their own lives; so, we find ourselves adrift with time on our hands and wondering what to do. We've always had kids because I had a daughter when we got married. This is a season where we still have kids, but we are also figuring out what it means to be a parent to children who don't need us in the same ways as they did when they were little. This is a season where we have the time to find hobbies and activities, outside of our family, that we enjoy (some apart and some together). This is a season where friendships are being formed (individually and as a couple). This is a season of change; nothing is as we have known it, and I am glad the word of God anchors us through it. I have always found change scary, and been controlling in an attempt to make it work the way I wanted or to avoid it altogether. There are a few things that I have been reminded, in the midst of this new season, the most important being...use wisdom to discern what is within my control. Based on that I have begun reading a book entitled "Becoming the Woman of His Dreams." Something I read today jumped out at me, and I would like to share it with you.

Sharon is describing her experience, with her husband, as they learned to waltz. She is doing this in her section introducing respect and the subject of submission. This is what she writes:

"After a few dance lessons, I didn't look at all like Ginger Rogers. Actually, I resembled Fred Rogers. We were NOT gliding around the room, moving as one. It was as though Steve were pushing a shopping buggy around the mirrored dance floor.
     I use the word "push" because I WASN'T guided easily. More than once the instructor tapped me on the shoulder and said, 'Mrs. Jaynes, you're leading again."
     After a while I did learn how to give in to the gentle pressure of Steve's hand on my back to move me forward and the release to move me back. With a slight tug I learned when to twirl, and with a lift of the arm, I learned to spin. Amazingly, I discovered that Steve had the most difficult job as leader of the dance. He had to learn when and where to push, press, and release, and all I had to do was follow his cues. When I did, I looked like the one doing all the fancy moves, but in reality, I was just following his lead.
     What a lesson God taught me about the symbiotic dance of marriage. When I LEARN to COMPLY with my husband's leadership, we move as one in a beautifully choreographed dance designed by God." (pg.48)

What I found to be even more fascinating was how the Holy Spirit used this to minister to me! The dance and leadership that was in our marriage was a reflection of the dance that I am in with Christ. Several of you are probably thinking "Well Duh Lisa!" That's true but it was a RHEMA moment when I realized the extent to which I was able to dance with Jesus would be the extent to which I would be able to dance with Kris. For me, it was one of those frozen moments in time as I saw myself as a cumbersome shopping buggy. In the past, I've probably also had one of those wheels that won't move and actually resists being pushed, while making horrible squeaking noises in protest. There have been days when there has also been left over trash in the cart that I allowed someone to leave behind. I not only resembled this shopping buggy in my attempts to waltz with my Beloved Jesus, but I also was the cart that all of us try to avoid and will then even walk back across the store to trade in when we find it resistant and loud. For every gentle pressure applied by God I would push back challenging Him with every command. I gave in to His direction eventually, but our relationship resembled more of Mrs. Jayne's first attempts at waltzing with her husband than anything else. It certainly has been clearly reflected in our marriage between Kris and I. 

Mrs. Jaynes became so sensitive to her husband's TOUCH that a simple pressure guided her forward or backward. She eventually became accomplished enough that a slight tug provided her the opportunity to twirl and spin, such joyful delight with her beloved. I want to do more than "make boxes with our feet," as we do a "slow, slow, quick, quick square." I, also, want to spin and twirl in the arms of my Beloved. So many times we sigh that Jesus is not actually physically here but I remember years ago when the Holy Spirit ministered to me about what it means to be loved by my husband. The feel of Kristopher's arms around me, the gentle pressure he applies to guide me in this dance, and the slight tug I feel when he takes my hand in his and allows me to spin and twirl, are the wonderful moments when I can feel myself in the arms of my King. Kristopher's love and expression of it is the touch and expression of that love my Beloved has for me and is sent from heaven itself. So why continue to resist the touch of those who hold me dearest when I can simply enjoy the pleasure of being loved? Learning to comply with my Beloved's leading in my life will result in a compliance with my husband's leading in my leadership.

Dancing with the King is always reflected in the most beautiful of waltzes in the relationships of our lives, parents with children, husbands and wives, governments and its people. When I first started teaching at FTCC, Kris would get up with me and make me coffee in a thermos to drink on the way to work. It was heaven. As the weeks progressed I noticed he quit doing it, unless I asked him. After a while, I couldn't even ask him because he wouldn't wake up when I was getting up. Honestly, it was one of the little wrongs I chose to keep record of and it has burned within me. Last night, before going to bed, I noticed all of the little things in the kitchen that still needed to be finished up. Normally these are things that Kris will do, but last night it wasn't done. I got grumpy inside, after all, I am still on vacation, but I spent the evening in prayer as I started cleaning up. When I was finished I went to turn out the kitchen lights and noticed the empty coffee pot. Quickly I walked over, cleaned it out and refilled it all for in the morning. After that I set the clock on it, and the timer, for delay brew. I set everything up to have a fresh pot of coffee for Kris when he came downstairs to get in his uniform.  This morning he got up and took Nikki to the church but to my surprise he drove back home right after dropping her off. I heard him pull up in the driveway, open the front door, come up the stairs, and then he gave me a kiss. I kept asking him, "Why are you here? Did you forget something? Aren't you going to be late?" His only reply to all of this was, "I just wanted to give you a kiss and tell you I love you Lisa. Thank you for my coffee." He didn't forget anything at home. He didn't care if he would be late. He drove the extra few minutes back just to say I love you and let me know he cares. Waltzing never looked so beautiful as it did that moment and I truly can't imagine anything more wonderful than dancing with my Beloved!