Reward or Portion? You choose!

"My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; He is mine forever." Ps.73:26 NLT

It was just a few weeks ago the Lord began talking to me about this topic, it just feels like a life time ago to be honest. Frankly, it all started with a simple conversation I was having with God. We were talking about how much I love Him, how much He loves me, and what He means to me. It was our standard conversation. Honestly, it just doesn't seem like I move much beyond those conversations sometimes, all I want to talk about is how much I love Him and what He means to me. That day was no exception and I was explaining to God that He is my EVERYTHING! I love Him so much and He means the world to me! Jesus is my ALL IN ALL, and my "reward." It was at the use of the word "reward" that God butted in and quieted me down. He wanted to draw MY attention to what I had said. At first I couldn't understand what was so problematic about me understanding and experiencing Jesus Christ as my "reward." Some times people have shared with me they feel that I am to much a stickler for word choice and it is really just semantics, but in this case, like in several others, I have found that small selections of the words I choose to use sometimes reveal some of the most problematic theological beliefs I might be having.

The word "reward" is used several times in Scripture, primarily in the New Testament. If you look up the definition for it, it means: dues paid for work wages, hire, used of fruit naturally resulting from toils or labor. It comes from the word misthos, used a total of 28 times. It is about what I do and implies it is something that is earned. God stopped me in the midst of my love expression to Him because He heard my heart in a way I had not. He wanted me to hear myself say, "God I love you so much and understand You, Your love, and Your presence in my life, to somehow, someway be something that has been earned." That is a significant insight to me because I have been very performance oriented my whole life; yet, have an understanding that the love of God is not earned by anything I have done. I did not realize the root of pride that still had been deeply ingrained in my heart. I gave it to God and in the giving it to Him, He presented me with something greater. He replied, "Let me be your 'portion.'"

"Portion" is not a word that I have been familiar with over the years; so, I have had to study its meaning a little bit to responded to God's offer. "Portion" in the Psalms verse I quoted is actually a noun, based in the verb meaning: to divide, plunder, allot, assign, impart, share. It comes from the Hebrew word chalaq. The noun is based on this and means share, and award from God, cheleq. I did not have to work to earn the love of God and experience it as a noun because Jesus did the verb! That day, God invited me to rest a little easier, to be a peace a lot more, to breath more deeply and just "be" with Him in a way that I have occasionally experienced it. Since recently experiencing some significant health issues, I have come to value the invitation God gave me in that confrontation.

Recent health issues have brought me back to a passage of Scripture God ministered to me when we first moved to North Carolina. The 23rd Psalm was what He ministered to me and told me to anchor myself to, with special emphasis on the verses that said, "Yeah though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for Thou art with me; Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me. Thou prepares the table before me, in the presence of Thine enemies: Thou annoinst my head with oil: my cup runneth over." In the midst of this crisis, my family and I have had incredible calmness, even being uncertain of the outcome. With no guarantee about what tomorrow will bring, I have come to realize we never do have any other guarantee beyond that of His word and it is moments like this that I am most aware of what is always my reality. If I understand His love to be my "reward", then on these occasions I would have to wonder if I was still loved. But, when I experience and receive Jesus Christ as my "portion", then I have an assurance that no matter the outcome, His presence and His delight and His desire to "be" with me is ongoing. In the face of my enemies, I find myself feasting with the King and finding peace, rest, comfort, and hope under the banner of His love. How glad and grateful I am for the day He stopped me in my tracks and challenged me with the pride that I harbored! There has been nothing more substantial or wonderful than the invitation He gave me to understand the gift of His presence, the portion He is to me, even as I sit in the valley, in the presence of mine enemies and KNOW, He has anointed my head with oil and no matter how it looks...my CUP is indeed running over.

Be blessed my friends! It is my sincere prayer for each of you, who read this, that you find that same beauty of His companionship in the place others fear to go and often rush through, the valley of the shadow of death. May He find you too, willing to linger in the valley if that is how He leads. <3 Shalom