Grief at Christmas

I haven't had much time to say anything; however, this has really been sitting heavy in my heart. Several of those associated with me on Facebook are posting about grief, loss, and the holiday. Christmas is a time of year that naturally makes us think about those who are no longer celebrating with us. Just yesterday I was driving home from my daughter's house, with my husband and grandson, listening to Christmas carols and I started to cry as I remembered my friend Ken. Christmas was one of his favorite times of the year and he loved Jesus more than anything and anyone. His family lives five minutes from ours; as we drove by his house, I remember thinking, "My friend, I sure do miss you!" Earlier in the week, someone had shared with me, "God understands my grief," and this has stuck with me all week. It is only now that I find the time to reply to that statement.

A few weeks ago I was asked to share a devotion with some ladies at the local church I attend. The Lord gave me Isaiah 53:3 "He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised and we esteemed him not." Jesus was conceived in grief and loss, with his mother suffering loss of family, community, friendships, and facing the potential loss of her betrothed; yet, she said "YES." When he was born, she watched him being rejected by those around him. She watched him, over the years, as he was despised by his peers. Mary spent a lifetime observing the countless occasions her baby boy was actively hated, passed over, and either persecuted or blatantly ignored. When he reached a peak in his life, she watched it cut short as he hung between two criminals, on a cross, outside the city walls. His body was mutilated and bloody as he hung on the cross. His body and face were covered in blood as she watched him draw his last breath. What has that got to do with Christmas you might ask? Even more important, what does it have to do with surviving grief at the holidays?

Did you know grief impacts us physically, emotionally, and mentally? It makes the body more tired and there is an element of depression. The body becomes easily fatigued because it has to work harder to do the daily tasks it is accustomed to doing. Emotions are often intense and the intensity can be easily triggered by something as simple as a smell or color that reminds us of the one we are missing. Regulating these emotions to avoid embarrassment in front of people or to continue working can be difficult. For a mother with other children, they often express the importance of "keeping it together" to provide stability for the other children. People who are grieving can be forgetful and indecisive. This can be a source of frustration to the both the individual grieving and those depending on him or her. Grief happens naturally and is a natural response when someone we love dies; so, it cannot be circumvented forever and no medication or treatment can "cure" it. Grief of a parent who has had a child die can be even more intense. The loss of a child can cause a marriage to crumple, especially when coupled with poor communication, lack of tolerance concerning different grieving styles, and a lack of education regarding grief in general. Studies relating to grief and loss of a child have shown "Everyone suffers loss in different ways depending upon their beliefs, culture, family history, and relationship with the person who died. It doesn't mean that others care less if they mourn differently than you do. Grief can also vary greatly depending upon how the child died. While some losses are less visible, such as miscarriage, other experiences of loss are more traumatic, such as an accident, illness, murder or death during war. Even more significant is that the parents of murder victims face many unique struggles in their process of bereavement. A sense of loss of control is common, and the suddenness of the death is so overwhelming that, for a period of time, parents are often incapable of processing through the grief. For this group, dealing with spiritual beliefs, attitudes toward life, and general physical health may hold special importance."
(American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy www.aamft.org)

Again we revisit the questions I asked at the beginning. What does all of this have to do with Mary, Christmas, and grief at Christmas? Mary was a parent who watched her child traumatically murdered. Each year we celebrate Christmas, what we commonly call the birthday of Jesus, Mary might have experienced it differently. No matter what promises she had pondered in her heart or knew God had given her regarding her son, it was still her baby boy that she watched die that day on Calvary. A lifetime of loss and grief associated with all the dreams she of her baby boy and what it would look like when he grew up and even lived out the promise of the Messiah to save His people. His life was cut short. She was never a grandmother to his babies. Mary never met the woman that he had chosen to spend his life with. She never watched him overthrow the Roman Government that oppressed them. Does the blessing of tomorrow wipe away the grief of the past? No, it just gives us comfort and hope! Yes, the way He saved His people was so much MORE spectacular...HE ROSE FROM THE DEAD!!!!! That is awesome! But I don't know that it ever changed the spot Jesus held in His mother's heart. She carried him for nine months in her belly, went through childbirth with him, and watched as he grew up while she knew he was the son of God! Just as our babies grow up and are still our babies...I imagine He grew up but remained her baby boy and that would have made her grief intense. So when I hear someone say..."God understands my grief," my heart overflows, my eyes fill with tears, and I think..."Yes my friend, He does." What helps with grief at Christmas time? Remembering the life that you loved, and allowing the hope and comfort of God to take you through today. While that is an extremely spiritual answer, I am just not convinced of any other. No one knows more or understands more about grief than the Father of the one who was given for us <3